Call Center Purgatory

Epilogue

2011-09-08T23:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are with me.

I am still at the job I left the call center for. It is the nicest place that I have ever worked.
The president of the company is a good guy that communicates well, he makes people feel
they are a part of a team, and not cogs in a machine. I feel appreciated and I have seen raises
and even a bonus. I was right that there are better places out there.

Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect. There are the general corporate culture issues that you
can find anywhere, but its nothing like I experienced at the call center. Good people trying
to treat their workers well do exist.

I have been wanting to blog again, so I have started another blog called Beatnik For Jesus.
Its not a purely religious blog, I just really like the name. Unitarian Universalists, Athiests and
Pagans are welcome to drop by anytime. I'll be blogging about multiple subjects.

Just a note for those of you that leave spam cleverly disguised as comments with
a link embedded, or a user name that goes to your website, stop being lame.

I will not print your comments, if you want a link, send me an email and we can
talk advertising prices...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Leaving Purgatory-The Last Day

2007-09-05T01:23:00.000-04:00

It started like any other day. The sky was dark because I hit the clock at 7 am on a Friday morning. But it wasn't just another day, it was the day. For six years I had come here over and over, punched the clock, drank the bad coffee, listened to the voices in my headphone drone on and on.

This was the end of it. I had dreamed about leaving. There had been so many versions, from the dramatic Dead Poet's Society version where I stand on the desk and make a grand speech to the Chuck Norris version where I kicked someone's ass on the way out and then every version in-between.

At one point, I reconsidered the Chuck Norris verson. My boss gave me a set of multiple trades that I knew would go wrong and then he coldly told me to remember why I was leaving. I told him he didn't need to worry about me forgetting that. He didn't speak three words to me for the rest of the day. I couldn't have cared less.

I told some of my customers that it was my last day, those that I had a relationship with. One of them, one of the hard-ass demanding people I had become used to, told me that I could call him if I ever needed a personal reference.

One of the girls from accounting brought me a bag of M&M's. Someone bought me some ribs for lunch. The girls on the floor bought me a cake. Finally, it was time to pack up. One of my best friends came over and spoke to me. He had been there the same amount of time I had. He was sort of emotional, and I could see he was sad.

"I know this sounds sappy, but I'm proud of you. You went after your dream of getting a degree, and now you are leaving this place."

We hugged and he was gone.

What I never told anyone on the blog was that I went back to school to get a degree so I could leave this place. I knew I had no skills that would translate to a better job. Half of the time spent here at Call Center Purgatory was spent biding my time until I got my degree.

I carried my cardboard out the double doors to the parking lot. I stood there and looked up at the ugly building I had hated for so long. I actually felt more than a twinge of sadness. How would I survive in a new job? I had been here so long, I had friends here, Now I had to start all over.

I remembered the speech Morgan Freeman gave in Shawshank Redemption,

"These walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them, until it gets to you depend on them. That's institutionalized."

But I also remembered the one quote from Shawshank that was the real message, "Get busy living or get busy dying." I'd had enough of this place. A life outside of here had to be better, no matter what. If I failed, at least I failed trying. And I would give all I could. If I stayed here, I'd always wonder what could have been, what might have been. There had to be a better world somewhere outside of this place.

I took one last look around, incredibly, it started to rain. I have made up details in my writing to keep you off my trail, but not this time. This really happened. I finally loaded up my car, and rolled up to the security gate. It rolled open on a chain and I drove through.

I turned on the CD player and found a song by Tom Petty that made the day complete...

"It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down
I had the radio on, I was driving.
Trees flew by, me and Del were singing,
Little Runaway, I was sublime.

Yeah running down a dream,
That never would come to me.
Working on a mystery,
Going wherever it leads.
Running down a dream..."

Thanks for reading,

AC

Leaving Purgatory-Leaving Hatred Behind

2007-09-04T21:33:00.000-04:00

During my time at Call Center Purgatory, I dealt with a lot of hate. I hated the management, my direct supervisors, my customers, and finally I hated myself for where I had ended up. There was also a person at my call center who really seemed to go out of their way to make me want to hate them, probably because they started out by presenting themself as a friend and then turned on me. They brought out the kind of hatred I did not know could exist inside of me. That's where the blog came in handy. When I felt hate I could write about how I felt. It was as good as any therapist. It helped me leave it behind, or at least understand how I felt. Here's some posts that were part of this.

Class Warfare
Wandering through a wonderland of rage
What I am..

Eventually all these feelings made me really try to understand the nature of evil and hatred. I found myself taking a look at my own evil. Here's what I wrote about that:

Dealing with Hatred
What is Evil?
Hidden Evil
Excuse me, but is there a stick in my eye?

I don't know how to describe it, but little by little, even before I was having any luck job hunting, the hate for this person sort of faded away. At one point during the last year at the call center, I did actually express how I felt to this person, but in a constructive, polite way. They seemed to change their attitude for the better, but more important, I finally could see their own frustration with the place. They hated it as much as I did, maybe more. They were just as messed up as me, and just as human.

After Larry and the first GM left, I had my hopes up that the change in management would make things better. The new managers tried hard, but they became like the ones before them. It was then I finally realized that this was not just a couple of bad managers, or a bad vice-president, it was the whole corporation. It was like a body with a brain tumor. Take all the vitamins you want, work out, and run a marathon, but there is still something at the top that is unhealthy and will never get better on its own.

In the end, my nemesis came up to me and shook my hand. He graciously wished me good luck with a sincere smile and firm handshake. I felt like the world had lifted off my shoulders. The hate was gone for good.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Leaving Purgatory - a last rant about bad customers

2007-08-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

Here's a dusty old post that I found laying arount in the corner of drafts file about a bad customer. I thought it should come to light before I turn out the lights for good.

Today was one of those days that working in customer service makes you hate humans in most of their forms on this planet. I spent the day being abused by people as I tried to collect money to pay for their mistakes.

Its amazing that people can be so ingratiating at the start of a transaction, but then when things go wrong, how few people are able to really keep their cool. They become petty, mean, abusive and downright nasty.

A customer had a transaction that went way wrong. When I called him to explain why he had lost so much money he explained to me that he cancelled that transaction and should not have to pay for it. When I asked him for a confirmation number, a time, a name of a person he spoke to, he had none of that. I reminded him that our calls are recorded and ever entry is time stamped as notes are put in the computer and there was nothing to back up his claim.

He would have to pay.

If he refused willing payment, his escrow would be emptied and he would be banned from any further transactions with us. He explained that he did so much business with our company that would never happen. He was going to call the vice president of operations and I would be sorry.

"Fine. I don't care who you call. I called the vice president and HIS boss before calling you. No one in this company is going to change this."
"We'll see!" was followed by a loud click and the asshole was gone.

I felt very tired, very sad, and very ready to hit the door. It's not grumpiness that really gets me mad, I can handle that. It is the continual dealing with these, "people" that think customer service means I am in a lower caste than them. That it means I want to be abused by them, and the money they possess entitles them to act any way they want.

If you are grumpy and having a bad day, I can understand that. If you explain to me in direct tones why you think this is unfair and speak to me as an equal, I may even go out of my way to help you. But when you speak down to me and explain how the rules never have to apply to you and that you are probably the single most important and valuable customer that ever pried a dollar out of that titanium tight wallet of yours, well, I think less than charitable thoughts about you.

But the thing that gets me every time is that these same people think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I imagine some fat-cat, robber-baron type in a charcoal pin-stripe suit with a Trump-wanna-be haircut appearing in vapor before me to explain why its ok...

"Because it's simply the way business is done. Its simply the bottom line, don't you understand that son? Maybe if you took business as seriously as I do you would not be a call center employee, and instead be a captain of industry like me, feared by men and adored by women, even if I do have a sloppy combover."
He grins slyly and disappears into nothingness...

Yeah...

Being a good man or woman of business does not negate being a good person. If you are a liar and cheat who refuses to keep their promises, you still suck ass as a human being no matter how much money you have.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Extra sweet ending-four months after writing this post, after the company actually stood up to this schmuck and refused to do any more business with him, his assistant called me and sheepishly paid all the penalties and we reinstated their account after they agreed to abide by our practices. It was a good day.

Leaving Purgatory-The Interview

2007-08-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

Scene: The large office of a CEO at a major worldwide distributor of anonymous widgets somewhere in the Midwest. He was tall and had shiny shoes, pressed slacks, a warm tone and a kindly face. I, on the other hand, was nervous as Hell.

"AC, we've looked at your resume, and your qualifications. I believe you will be a great addition to our team. Welcome aboard!"

He stood up and shook my hand firmly and grinned. I tried to look smug and casual, but I knew I probably just looked shocked. At least I wasn't drooling. He led me to the Human Resources Office where we negotiated a salary and benefits.

"We want you to be excited about working here, AC. That's why we are offering you this amount as a starting salary."
He slid a piece of paper across the desk with a number that represented a 23% raise to what I was making now. It was more than I had asked for! Who does that? Who gives you more than you ask for? Tell me this!

He explained a set of generous benefits including dental, life, vision, everything! It was like a dream. They wanted me, and I was going to not have to work overtime or weekends or stay over or even eat at my desk! There was a freakin' lunch hour! There was voicemail and email-no damn ACD reports, or green strobe light going off for calls missed! I finally had the chance to work for someone that wanted me to do the job right, not just half-ass. It was all too good to be true.

When I got home, Mrs. Cog and I put on our best clothes and went out for Chinese food. She had the Empress Shrimp, I had the Garlic Chicken. We had Hot and Sour Soup, Egg-Rolls, Shrimp Toast, Potstickers and Strawberry Ice Cream for dessert.

It had been one of the best days ever.

More to come later...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Big News Coming

2007-08-12T09:08:00.001-04:00

Check back in the next week for big news...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Click this link to read a Christmas post on my other blog:
"Poverty, Politics and Faith"

Here's some other past Christmas posts from the archive of this blog, if you want something to read. Click the link above for a public domain copy of "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens-my gift to you.

"Interfering for Good"
"The Christmas Program"
"Working Holidays"
"A Ripe Little Mouth..."
"A Grinchy Cog"
"Quotes From A Christmas Carol"
"Old Fezziwig"

Thanks for reading,
Your Friend,

AC

This is Goodbye.

2006-09-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

655 posts, 2 years, 7 months, 3 days-I've had enough...

If you might not have gathered from reading the end of "The Malfunction", I am not going to blog anymore about the call center. I'm not deleting the blog, there's too much of my heart and soul in this place. There will be bad call centers, bad bosses, and certainly bad customers, around long after I leave my call center, so someone may enjoy reading it. I will still answer emails and comments,(not so quickly though). I'm leaving the blogroll up for now, and I will be glad to link to anyone who links to me. If you liked Call Center Purgatory, I've created a Cafe Press Store, click the post title link above to get to the store.

I'm ready to live life, and there's no room for Call Center Purgatory anymore. It takes too much time, and has become counter productive. Check back from time to time, or keep an eye out on Technorati. I will let you know when I finally leave the call center, and I may give you some actual details about who I am and where I worked.

There are so many of you that have been very kind and gracious to me. I could not begin to name all of the wonderful people who have commented, emailed or linked to me. I care for many of you like dear friends who I have known for years.

Thanks for reading,

I really mean that.

Your Friend,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXX-Conclustion

2006-09-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

I found myself still on the floor, my face still wet from crying, back in the white classroom with Mr. Brown. I stood up and faced him.

"Is that it? Is it over?"
"Yes, it is. Sit down for a minute."
I sat down in one of the chairs. He leaned on the desk and began to speak.
"You've learned a lot, but there's some other things you need to think about. Most people are thrown into something like Purgatory. Moses spent many years wandering through the desert, so did Paul, when he spent time in the Arabia after his conversion on the road to Damascus. David was left alone with his sheep for weeks at a time. John the Baptist wandered through the desert for years, living on locusts and wild honey. Jesus spent 40 days alone before he started his ministry. What about Matthew? How many years did he spend as a tax collector? He was abused and hated by both the Jews and the Romans, he lived a life as miserable as any call center worker. You're not the only one that has felt this way. The difference is they all came out of their Purgatory when they were called. It's time for you to do the same. Put all your energy first into your relationship with God, and then into being a benefit to those around you. Stop obsessing about the call center, put that energy into leaving it."

"I understand."
"Good...Goodbye for now."

He grinned, waved his hand, and everything blurred into a mixture of indigo and grey. I came to a start, and found myself sitting at my desk in the call center, the headphone had fallen around my neck. The screen was dark. The clock said it was time to clock out and everyone was getting ready to go. I took off the headphone and opened my desk drawer to put it away. In my desk I found a cold can of Diet Cherry 7-up and a Cow Tails candy. I rolled up my sleeve, and there were scars that looked like bite marks. I picked up my bag and lunchbox and got up to leave. As I walked through the long hall through the accounting department, I could hear playing low over the PA system was "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" by Neil Diamond.

It was time to leave this place, forever...

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXIX

2006-09-13T01:24:00.000-04:00

To say it was black was an understatement. There was no longer any input to any of my senses. It felt like I had no eyes, no ears, no sense of smell or touch, wandering in cold nothingness. My hands in front of my face could neither be seen, nor could I feel the air produced by moving them in front of my face. I clapped, I screamed, I clapped my hands, I stomped my feet, all of it made no noise at all. I reached in my pocket and felt my cell phone, but the light did not work, and the ringer and volume made no sound. It was at this point the silence became very loud.

I sat down. At least I think I sat down. I was not vertical and was mostly relaxed, except for not knowing where I was or how long this would last. If I were to venture a guess where I was at, I would say it was a part of Limbo called "Pascals Room". You may remember the quote from his book Pensees,

"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."

For once in a long time I was totally alone with nothing but my heart and my mind to keep me company. I could not even hear my heart beating.

At first my head felt like it was humming, like my thoughts were producing some sort of noise of their own; thinking about my life, my wife, how I ended up at the call center and how I had come to such an empty life. The hum began to subside and I began to think slower and slower. All of the time I spent in the call center, just feeling sorry for myself that, "I wasn't fufilled". Yeah, the place is a bad place to work, and it brings out the worst in me, but I still am responsible for who I am.

I had embraced the anger, sadness and frustration in the call center for so long that I was comfortable with it. It had become my friend, the reason I used for not being useful to the world. It was not a good enough reason for not making a difference in other people's lives. I might not be able to have some dramatic job, or do all that I want to do, but I have to do something more than this.

I began to consider my actions outside of all those half-ass pseudo-intellectual reasons that I always brought up to justify my own selfishness, my own sin. I stopped trying to see "the bigger picture", and talk about my actions in the "context of a larger world view". I realized that so much of my own high-minded philosophy was just bullshit. Spending time trying to find truth in the world is important-but even a search for truth can be used to cover up your own selfishness. Absolute truth still lives. Sin really exists. Discussing all our own faults, trying to explain them away, or becoming obsessed with finding the root of your sins, does not cause them to cease to exist, it's just a convenient way to ignore the truth as you pretend to explore it.

I wept. I repented of my own self-centeredness. I asked God to forgive me and show me how to be useful to him and to those around me.

The darkness faded...

The Conclusion...

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXVIII

2006-09-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

I fell through the darkness for a long time and landed with a thud into a dark place. Shades of navy and indigo swirled around me. Somehow, I was unhurt by the fall, and my injuries from fighting the wolves had stopped bleeding. I stood up and walked towards a light in the distance.

As I got closer, I realized it was what appeared like a large screen in front of me. It was all static, as if there were no signal coming to it. Then it came to life and the screen went black and I saw my name in big white letters centered, like a title. The title faded and then images of people began to float in front of the screen, with their voices coming from all around me. I saw before my eyes all the people that I could have been a blessing to. The people I could have taught in Sunday school, people I could have encouraged, people I could have befriended, people who would have nothing to do with religion, but I could have been the person that shared God's love with them.

Their faces swirled around me, unhappy and depressed, in anguish and pain. Noises of lament, crying and sorrow surrounded my ears, reaching a crescendo that made my ears start to ache. I started to feel sensations of heat, heaviness and a non-specific feeling of oppression and fear all around me until everything went black, and the horrible noise ceased immediately.

Part XXIX

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXVII

2006-09-12T11:40:00.000-04:00

As I moved very quietly down the hall, I could hear the head wolf howling and screeching around the corner and 500 meters down at the exit. I waited around corner and let the song repeat several times. I couldn't hear it anymore in my head. My own internal soundtrack was playing Rage Against the Machine. When I thought how many years that I had let these three spirits called Selfishness, Self-Pity and Despair keep me down, I seethed with anger. The evil world system that really ruins our lives is not just corrupt systems of government and businesses. It's the thoughts and beliefs that make us live mediocre lives, these are the voices that truly keep us down. It was my turn to watch them fail and suffer.

"Human!! Where are you!!...Snarl!!..I know you're coming!..Grrrr!...Come out!!.. Do you hear me?...I'm going to bloody my teeth on your neck!....AAAAAIIIGGHHH!!!"

I pulled the pin from the fire-extinguisher-turned-dart-gun and clutched the spear in the other hand. I left the lit bottle of napalm around the corner where I could get to it easily. I slowly came around the corner.

"Hey, Fuzzy-ass, you looking for me? Yoo hoo! I'm over here!"
He started sprinting towards me, not even noticing the new weapons. I kneeled down and aimed the dart gun. He kept coming, he was senseless and running on pure hatred. I had not fired this gun, the size of projectile meant it would probably only be good from a short distance. I had to wait until he was less than 10 meters to be do any good.

70 meters...
50 meters...
30 meters...
10 meters...

I squeezed the trigger and the barrel popped off and the frozen CO2 gas sprayed my face as I fell back to the floor. He was on top of me in seconds. We rolled on the ground in the hallway. He was inches from my face and bit my left hand and shoulder. I finally kicked him off and grabbed the spear. He leapt again and I brought the blade up and missed his chest and caught his belly, ripping it fully open as he knocked me on the ground. He was screaming in rage and pain, while he struggled to his feet. I rolled towards the bottle, leapt up and broke the bottle over his head. The flame spread over his whole body. He writhed in agony and rolled around trying to put the flames out with no luck like the others. I finally thrust the spear through his temple and he finally stopped howling. The smell was incredible.

I didn't stop to rest, or pick up the spear. I didn't care anymore. I wanted this to end and I wanted out of here. I ran to the exit, and tore aside the blue tarps and leapt into a black void...

Part XXVIII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXVI

2006-09-12T01:23:00.000-04:00

I listened hard, trying to hear the click of their claws on the floor over the high-pitched bluegrass gospel coming streaming from the PA speakers. Instead, I could hear them howling and screeching as they ran toward the maintenance department. It had been a good choice of music. They were so furious they didn't stop to consider the trap.

The doors burst open with a crash, as the two wolves came in. I released the bottles from the ceiling, they broke and coated the wolves with flames that weren't going out. They howled and screamed and rolled on the ground with no luck. Five minutes later and they were charred corpses. I put the fire out, and made sure they properly dead. That should keep them out of commission for longer than before.

I went to the CD player and selected track 11, and set it on continuous repeat. It was a song entitled "Goodbye". I hoped that the gospel lyrics and the mandolin would make the lead wolf lose all sense like the others. I picked up my weapons, lit the wick on the third bottle and headed out towards the exit.

Part XXVII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXV

2006-09-11T13:24:00.000-04:00

I was ready to fight them, but how did I get them to come to me? Looking around the maintenance department, I found a unlabelled closet full of machinery. It was the PBX system for the phone and the P.A. system. There, I found a CD player with "The Best of Neil Diamond" in it, set to repeat forever,(shudder). The wolves said they knew this place inside and out, if they heard the music change, they would know where to come.

It couldn't just be any music. It needed to be something that would make them so furious they would not stop to think that this was a trap. It had to be the sort of thing that Psych-Ops people use to get people to end a stand-off. Desperate people can give up when they can't stand hearing the Barney theme song, or Metallica makes them cringe. Interestingly enough, creatures from Hell didn't seem to mind Neal Diamond...

I had remembered seeing a CD boom box on the desk in the maintenance manager's office. Maybe there would be something there. Inside the CD player was a classic bluegrass gospel CD from Jimmy Martin & the Sunny Mountain Boys called "This World is Not My Home. My folks made me listen to this music when I was a kid. I hated to admit it, but I liked it. There would be no other type of music to infuriate these creatures better than Old Time Gospel.

I removed the Neal Diamond CD, and threw it like a frisbee and heard it shatter on the wall, I thought I may have heard a tiny, evil cry as it shattered. I put in the new CD and selected track 2, the title track, "This World is Not My Home", and set it on repeat. I turned up the volume for all the speakers and increased the high-end response on the equalizer, so they could enjoy that extra-twangy goodness.

I turned the heavy steel shop table on its side as a barrier, and waited with my hand on the rope, listening hard to hear the creatures coming...

Part XXVI

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXIV

2006-09-11T01:24:00.000-04:00

(Don't be stupid enough to try anything listed below. It's obviously fiction, untested, dangerous, and illegal...'Nuff said.)

A plan had taken shape. I gathered a CO2 fire extinguisher, three large glass bottles, powdered soap, three dishcloths, a large plastic spoon, a funnel, a large mixing bowl and the biggest knife I could find. It had a blade that was 12" long and a 1/4" thick. I suspected the rest of what I needed would be in the maintenance department.

I stuck my head out the door and listened. No clicks. The hallway was clear. I quickly moved my supplies into the maintenance department and got to work.

First, I filled the bottles with some homemade Napalm, once I found several other flammable ingredients. I lit the wicks and suspended the two bottles from ceiling over the door, with a rope tied to a heavy file cabinet with a bowtie that I could release in one pull. I was saving the third bottle for the last wolf.

Next, I found a length of 1/2" steel gas pipe. I cut it down to about 20" and attached it to the CO2 extinguisher by first removing the hose, then sliding the barrel inside the opening and then tightening it down with a radiator hose clamp and duct tape. I made a 8" long dart by cutting a long screwdriver in two with a hacksaw and then sharpening it needle sharp with the grinder. I taped some cloth to the end so it would pack tight in the barrel.

One weapon was still needed: a spear. If I had to fight these monsters up close again, I wanted something with some reach and a sharp edge, that could be thrown if needed. First, I knocked the pins out of the handle of the kitchen knife and removed the wood handle. Then I mounted the blade on a broken shovel handle by cutting a deep notch in the center of the handle. I inserted the the bare steel handle in that samep notch, and then secured it by putting long wood screws through the same pin holes that were used on the old wood handle. I wrapped that end with metal strapping to strengthen it. Now I was ready...

Part XXV

Thanks for reading,

AC

Note to My Readers:

2006-09-10T13:24:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many of you are reading this story. There have not been many comments, so I'm assuming it's not that interesting to everyone. That's fine, at this point I'm writing it for me, and I would like to think I'm not that big of a comment whore. It doesn't matter anymore if you are reading it or not because I have to finish it, just for my own sake. It's become like my own "Pilgrim's Progress". I feel inspired to write it, and obsessed with finishing it. I'm just not interested in writing about the goings on at the call center lately.

I'm finishing it this week. There will be two or more posts per day. The next couple of posts have some samples of music added to it as part of the storyline,(thanks to Amazon.com for having samples of any kind of music ever.). Click the links and it will open Windows Media Player.

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXIII

2006-09-10T13:23:00.000-04:00

Two double doors led to a large industrial kitchen in the cafeteria. There was a large storage closet, with a locking steel door where I decided to hide during the 10 minutes head start the creatures gave me.

Hopefully, they would rush past this place, trying to catch me in one of the wings that I did not explore. I was sure they would go to the call center first since that was where I was trying to get to when they caught me the first time. If my plan worked, it may be an hour or two before they figured out that I had stayed behind.

It had been 8 minutes. I turned off the lights sat on the floor in silence and listened. Time ground to a halt, and I heard nothing but the beating of my heart. Four minutes more...I suspected I heard a click somewhere outside in the cafeteria. The noise came closer, "Click..Click...Click..." and then the bump of a door being opened. It was silent for ten seconds and then I heard the "woosh" of it swinging shut as the clicks became farther and farther away.

I stayed on the floor and waited for a good five minutes before moving. I listened at the door, then silently opened it and saw nothing. I crept to the double doors and looked out into the cafeteria. There was nothing out there. To be safe, I taped up some paper and aluminum foil to the windows in the door. I turned on the lights in the kitchen and got to work...

Part XXIV

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXII

2006-09-10T01:23:00.000-04:00

"Start running human...Snarl...We'll give you a ten minute head start. No need to rush this.....Grrr..It's going to be sweet...If it's any comfort, you were right about one thing...Snarl...This is the only way out. We know every corner of this place...Grrr...so run if you like, but don't get your hopes up!"

Then all three of them made that frightening, laughing sound.

I turned and started moving down the hall as fast as I could, trying to come up with some sort of plan. They knew I wasn't recovered enough for another one-on-one fight, and I knew whenever the fight did come, it would not be fair.

The weapons I had were only good for a melee. What I needed was something that would stop them at a distance. Since these creatures could not be killed, I could only hope to incapacitate them long enough to get the exit. I figured that the head start was as much for them to come at me from different directions as it was to make the hunt last longer. They expected me to run long and far, maybe go to the records department, or head to the call center. They would probably leave a guard at the exit.

As I came around the corner to the cafeteria, an idea began to take shape. I ducked inside the double doors and headed through the empty cafeteria to the kitchen.

Part XXIII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XXI

2006-09-09T01:23:00.000-04:00

"Click...Click...Click..."

I stopped in my tracks and could feel my heart begin to race. I bent my knees, readied the crowbar in my right hand and slowly crept around the long curving hallway.

"We know you're there, Human. You can stop trying to sneak up on us!", the voice was gravelly and ended with a snarling noise. As I rounded the corner, I saw the three wolf-creatures again. The one that spoke was the one I thought I had killed last. He had a big bare spot on his neck with a four inch long scar, but he was definitely alive. The one whose skull I had crushed his scull had a dented, lumpy head, with a strip of skin hanging off. He looked the most grotesque. The third one moved with a strange limp to the left as a result of the injury to his spine. But they were all alive, their copper eyes still as bright and cold as before. They looked more dangerous than before.

"I killed you! You were cold and dead! All three of you! I busted your skull and your brain was leaking out! How can you be alive?"
"We're not mortal..Grrr..like you. We regenerate our physical form. From those bandages you've got, it appears a lot easier than you do, boy.", he said, ending the sentence by snapping his teeth together fiercely.
"The deal was that we were allowed to chase you through Purgatory..Snarl!...like a game. We agreed because your fear and dread is like food to us. You were to run from us and run through the construction zone and into the dark, where you would finally go home, Snarl..But you didn't do that. Instead, you attacked us. No human has ever got the better of us... We had an agreement with the Powers, and you broke it."
"Who are you?"
He growled and snarled in such a way that it sounded like laughter.
"You don't recognize us AC? We have been your companions since you were young...Growl...You remember the scripture...Snarl.."The sin that so easily besets you"?....Let me introduce our merry band. The being whose skull you crushed is Selfishness, the being with the limp is Self-Pity, and I, I am Despair...Snarl!..We have pursued you for years...Grrr...We have been waiting to feast on your sorrow, waiting for the day you would give up trying to serve the Powers...Snap!...We have tasted your despair...Grrr...Like an appetizer on a toothpick...But finally, we have the advantage...Snarl!"
"I still haven't given up. You can't feast on my soul, you have no right."
He made the laughing,snarling noise again,"You are right. I will not have the sweet nectar of your soul, but in this physical form, I can have your blood. I can still taste it on my teeth...", he stopped to pant like a dog. "And that's good enough for us...If we are going to lose eventually, we will do the will of our Father Below and stop you from getting home. You will not cause Him any more trouble, and we will feast on your flesh before the Powers throw us into outer darkness..."

Part XXII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XX

2006-09-08T01:23:00.000-04:00

I continued following the signs labeled "New Wing Under Construction". I had not seen anything resembling construction for the first hour of walking, just gray, non-descript carpet, white walls and a lot of locked doors. I did not stop to try to unlock them, I had had enough exploring for now. The halls were bright and cheery, there were junctions every 100 meters with comfy couches, end tables with lamps and dried flowers and desks where a receptionist would sit, but there were still no people.

I stopped and listened several times, watching to see if any one or any thing was following me, but saw and heard nothing. The carpet was very quiet, so I wasn't truly convinced.

I passed an entrance to a cafeteria and a kitchen, then much later, double swinging doors leading to a maintenance shop. The carpet ended and was replaced by a dusty concrete floor and bare sheetrock on the walls. I was finally getting close.

The hallway made a graceful turn and the sheetrock was replaced by wood framing, and bare electrical conduits and plumbing, covered with plastic sheeting to keep the dust contained in each skeleton of a room.

Up ahead, I heard a solitary click echo off the floor...

Part XXI

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XIX

2006-09-07T01:23:00.000-04:00

"The landscape of my heart..."

It all made sense now. I was walking through the landscape of my heart, the degradation of my own soul. I made my own Purgatory, now I was fighting my way home. In the midst of Purgatory, I would seek God again and to leave it all behind. My life was not the call center, nor was my sadness. It was all my own. I needed to leave the job, but the more important task was to find God again, no matter where I worked. I remembered a poem I read one day.

“So when the shadows lengthen
Across the landscape of my soul,
And doubt draws near, I will seek the light.
I will recite the creeds, receive the sacraments,
Search again the scriptures, sing the hymns,
Hear the Word brought forth...”
~Bud Hayes, "A Confession of Faith"

The time had come to throw off Purgatory, to escape that muttering, bad mood that leads to Hell. I remembered C.S. Lewis describing Hell in such a way,

...it begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it: perhaps criticising it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. Ye can repent and come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticise the mood, nor even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine..."~C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

I picked up my gear, and started walking towards the construction wing. I felt more hope than I had felt in a long time.

Part XX

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XVIII

2006-09-05T01:23:00.000-04:00

I let the bloody crowbar fall to the ground and put my head between my legs and tried to catch my breath. I really hoped there weren't any more of these wolf creatures around. That was about the stupidest thing I had ever done, but it may have been the bravest also.

I don't know why, but I decided I wasn't going to the call center. It might be the way home, or it might be a dead end. In my life it had been a dead end. This place followed some familiar patterns, so it made sense to not go to the call center. I thought of the Seinfeld episode where George realizes everything he has done has been wrong so he does the opposite and becomes wildly successful. TV is not my basis for life, but that's not bad advice when you have been a screw-up. Every exit I had found so far was blocked. The sign that said "New Wing Under Construction" was my best bet to find my way out.

I finally stood up, picked up the crowbar and hatchet and started walking, at least limping, towards the new wing. I was dizzy and still bleeding. I needed to find some kind of bandages and clean up if I was going to make it any distance.

Fifty meters down the hall I found my answer, a door marked "Infirmary". My keys opened the door. It was clean and had been well-stocked recently. I stripped down and started washing my wounds with hydrogen peroxide, dried them off and then put a little Neosporin on them . I didn't need any stitches, but I had to use a couple of butterfly bandages and wrap my thigh fairly well. I was still kind of woozy, and found a saline IV bag in the cupboard. It was kind of hard, but I managed to get it started and lay down on a cot in the corner and drifted off to a deep sleep.

I woke up much later. The IV bag was empty and my the dizziness was gone. I got dressed slowly, I had become stiff and the bruises were starting to show up. In the mini refrigerator on the counter I found a cold can of Dr. Pepper, a snickers Bar and a sandwich in a Ziploc bag. It was Bologna and American cheese on white bread with Mayo and brown mustard. There was a big pickle in a jar in the door of the refrigerator. It was like the kind of lunch my mom would pack.

After I finished the food, I looked around the room one more time. There was an envelope on the desk I had not seen before. It had my name on it. I opened it up and this is what I read:

Dear AC, You're on the right track to get home. Head through the new wing and go through the dark area at the end of the construction to exit this building. You have thought often how this place is familiar, have you figured out why yet? The spiritual world is as real, if not more concrete than the physical. Your wounds are evidence of that. This is a real place. The landscape and structures in this world change from person to person to represent the landscape of their heart. You have visited Purgatory... As you can tell, the ruin of your soul extends for a long distance, like a ruined, locked building in a dark gray land. Yet, the ruin is not complete; hope remains, and there is still room for growth and still a way out. Now, find your way home, and maybe you won't have to spend any more time here later. -Mr. Brown P.S. The Neil Diamond Muzak is actually not part of the landscape of your soul. The powers that be have a unique sense of humor and know you can't stand him. Besides, it made you want to leave quicker, didn't it?

Part XIX

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XVII

2006-08-30T01:23:00.000-04:00

There are times when you think a volume of thoughts in milliseconds. Such as that moment when you're driving and realize you are about to have an accident, or when you are falling from a roof and your whole life passes before your eyes. The one fight I had in high school felt like that, when I finally decided to punch the guy, everything slowed way down.

In this moment, staring down something truly fearsome, it was the same, time slowed down. Do I run? Do I fight? Will I die? Is any of this real? I miss my wife. I hate the call center-why am I running towards it?

I remembered all that Brown had reminded me of. How I had started my life ready to make a difference in the world, and now I was so lost. My life could have been incredible. I could have helped so many people, but instead I allowed myself to drown in the mundane, in the everyday excrement of bills, commuting, mowing the lawn and TV.

Inside of me, rage finally built beyond what I had ever known. It was anger at myself, anger at my own cowardice, anger at my own laziness, anger at the nothing I had let myself become. Common sense and self preservation became like voices down a deep well, while something more primal transferred all my anger, all my frustration to these creatures that had been stalking me for the last five hours.

Without thinking I lifted the crowbar in my right hand and the hatchet in my left. I leapt at the creature on my left, bringing the crowbar squarely down on his head with such force I heard a dull crack and felt the skull split and the creature fell slack to the floor. The creature in the middle darted forward and tore at my thigh with his teeth. I started hacking at his spine his spine with the hatchet. Blood squirted from his neck and splattered my face. It yelped, then shook violently as it finally died and released my thigh. The third creature leapt at my head, snarling and snapping.

Somehow, I dropped to the ground as he flew over the top of me. The creature hit wall and was dazed for several seconds. I hobbled at him frantically and began to pummel him with the crowbar. It was a blur of blood, fur, torn skin and cursings and shrieks until the hatchet lay lodged in his throat and I was covered in cuts, bruises and bites. I felt like I had lost half a pint of blood.

It was quiet, except for my heavy breathing and the muzak system playing "September Morn" by Neil Diamond. Certainly not my idea of an appropriate soundtrack for battling Hell-hounds or whatever these things were. Someone has a really warped sense of humour or just bad taste in music...

More after the Labor Day holiday,

Part XVIII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XVI

2006-08-28T01:23:00.000-04:00

"I got to keep movin',
I've got to keep movin'
Blues fallin' down like hail,
blues fallin' down like hail.

Umm mmm mmm mmm
Blues fallin' down like hail,
blues fallin' down like hail.
And the days keeps on worryin' me,
there's a hellhound on my trail,
hellhound on my trail,
hellhound on my trail."
~Bluesman Robert Johnson

This time I ran longer than before. I had not seen what was chasing me, but I could hear a growling, shrieking noise that let me know curiosity may not be the most healthy choice. It sounded like there were three of them, whatever they were.

I had cleared three sets of double doors, and about five hundred meters when I came to a lobby. I had not locked the doors behind me since it had not stopped them before, and seemed to only piss them off.

I looked around for my next move while I put my hands on my knees and gasped for air. Like the courtyard, the main exit in the lobby had been blocked with cement blocks. Looking around I saw three signs with arrows that read "New Wing Under Construction", "Records" and "Call Center".

Could it be that easy to get home?

I sprinted in the direction of the call center just as my pursuers burst through the double doors. The explosive shrieking burst in the air, making me stop to cover my ears.

I looked up and finally came face to face with my pursuers, three creatures that were unlike any thing I had ever seen. They had a dog's face, but longer teeth, and a mouth as large as a Kodiak bear. The eyes were that bright copper color I had seen, but it was a color that was both bright and cold at the same time. Their bodies were the size of a timber wolf, except their shoulders were more massive, almost like a hump. Their legs were massive and ended in huge paws with long claws like a Bengal Tiger. The claws were what caused the clicking noise in the hall. Whatever they were, they weren't anything I had seen in National Geographic. These were something supernatural.

They took advantage of my shock to block my way to the call center wing. They shrieked like a cougar, but they weren't moving to attack.

Part XVII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XV

2006-08-23T01:23:00.000-04:00

I entered the long hall again and began to walk toward the smaller numbered rooms. After ten minutes of walking, the muffled noises in the halls around me resumed again. The noise was so muffled and faint, but it was like there were several people or something else walking slowly through halls. The footfalls were not loud, but at the end of every footfall was a click that echoed in the halls. I turned around and strained to see anything in the distance. Then I saw a flash of two copper colored lights in the distance, like shining a flashlight at two new pennies. The lights remained for five seconds, and then disappeared. I started walking again, picking up the pace a little.

I don't know why, but I sprinted for about two hundred meters and then stopped, and listened. The noises sped up and I saw the same flashes of copper in the distance, but this time, there were six of them. I had to catch my breath, I'm a middle aged desk jockey and this was much more activity than I was used to. The noises stopped again, but the flashes of light remained at the same location, about 600 meters down the hall.

Whatever it is or they are, they aren't trying to overtake me now. They are staying back. It didn't make it any less frightening. I was being watched, even stalked and it was not necessarily by another human being. I had no other options but to keep walking. Maybe I could come to an exit where these keys I found would work. Maybe Brown would finally return and explain all of this to me.

I continued walking for another hour. The numbers were going down, but I was still in the 300's. What changed was that the lower the numbers got, the newer the building looked. The walls were now a little dingy, but there was no pealing plaster and less and less trash. As I passed number 325, I came to a double door in the middle of the hallway. I looked through the glass and could see carpet and fluorescent lights, but still no people. The doors were locked, but one of the keys from my ring opened them. I locked it behind me, hoping that might stop whatever was following me.

The carpet under my tired feet felt soft. I hoped I wasn't going to bump into some doctor or nurse or worse yet a security guard while I was outfitted like the Call-Center Worker of the Apocalypse with a hatchet and a crowbar, but I had nothing to fear. There was still no one around. The hallway turned to the left and I heard something: music. There was a speaker above me, playing a muzak version of a Neil Diamond's most horrible of songs, "Sweet Caroline". If I could find the controls for the muzak, I would use my hatchet for sure.

Up ahead was a small alcove, with a couch. I sat down and rested and closed my eyes. I was tired, spirit, soul and body. I actually missed the call center and wanted this whole experience to end. From around the corner and 300 meters down the hall to the double doors I had locked I heard a crash. Whatever was following me had gotten through the doors and was howling and screeching.

I jumped to my feet and began to run...

Part XVI

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XIV

2006-08-21T01:23:00.000-04:00

I walked down the long hallway for what seemed like three hours. There were junctions every three hundred meters, but they were all exactly the same, stretching out as far as I could see, no exits, no open doors, nothing. The light from the bare bulbs was swallowed up in the distance of the halls, making it seem darker and dingy, it was like putting a mirror to a mirror, looking at the endless line of mirrors getting darker and darker.

In the distance, I started hearing new noises, as if things were moving slowly in the halls all around me, but I still saw nothing. I was too afraid to go down the side halls to investigate, the same way a little kid thinks the monsters won't get him if he stays under the covers. If this was a real place, I still needed to go in one direction or I could get lost.

Finally, I came to a grey door with an exit sign half lit, flickering with an irregular rhythm. I pushed on the bar and it slowly opened to the outside.I walked out into a courtyard with a slate gray sky and brown grass. There was a small grove of sad trees with several crispy leaves hanging on.

Directly ahead was an ornate arch that probably led away from the building, but had been sealed up with cement and gray cinder blocks. The walls of the courtyard were over ten feet tall with razor wire that tilted in to keep people from getting out, instead of tilted out to keep people from getting in. It was a dead end. I would have to return to the endless hallway and the strange noises echoing through the halls.

One thing caught my eye. In the corner was a storage shed, probably used for the groundskeeper. What was even more surprising was that the padlock was left open,hanging on the hasp. Inside was several shelves of grimy bottles of weed killers and insecticides, but hanging on the wall were some tools. I took down a slightly rusty hatchet in a leather belt sheath and a well-used crowbar. The hatchet fit on my belt and I found a shoulder strap from a weed trimmer that allowed me to carry the crowbar over my shoulder. I looked down to find a big screwdriver and a cheap pair of pliers in a white 5 gallon bucket on the floor. These fit in my back pocket. Behind one of the cans of raid was a small box of matches and a large candle in a jar, the sort of candles that Catholic mothers always buy in the supermarket, with a picture of a saint on the front of it.

I looked around the shed one last time. When I was 20, I spent a summer as a groundskeeper, it was a pretty good year, I liked smelling cut grass and dirt. I remembered my store-room when I was a groundskeeper. Then I saw it: a rusty Maxwell house coffee can, placed way back on the top shelf. Inside I found a ring of keys, and a pack of Lucky Strikes. I remembered the day I lost the keys to the building I worked at that summer, and how my gruff boss chain smoked luckies. I almost got fired that year for losing those keys, but he stood up for me. Why is this place so foreign, and still familiar?

At least now I had some tools, keys and a something to use as a weapon. I would have preferred a Glock .40 caliber pistol, Leatherman tool and a D-cell Mag-lite, but it was better than nothing...

Part XV

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XIII

2006-08-16T17:47:00.000-04:00

The soft grey shapes sharpened into focus. I was in a long hallway, with plaster peeling from the walls and ceiling like skin from a sunburn. The doors on both sides of me were either locked solid or torn off the hinges, leading to empty rooms with the same peeling plaster. The smell was musty, wet and sour.

It was not ancient. It may have been abandoned twenty or thirty years ago. It was a sad and depressing place. As if to punctuate my opinion, a low, moaning wind blew down the hall, stirring up the plaster and bits of trash on the floor.

There was some light. A weak forty watt bulb flickered every thirty feet of the long hall. In the rooms nearby there were no bulbs, only a little bit of grey light peeking through some holes in the boarded-up windows. The windows were boarded up in such a way I could not open them without a crowbar.

I felt alone, but could not be sure. Noises came from all around the building, plaster falling, more wind blowing, noises that told me the building was open to the outside somewhere, even though the windows I saw were boarded up tight. It creaked as if the damp was starting to rot the insides of the structure. Every noise echoed down the long halls, making it seem like a very large place.

I was still unable to find Brown. After searching the rooms around me, it became obvious there was nothing in this part of the building. The only thing I found useful was that each door was marked with a room number. The ones behind me were lower, and the rooms ahead of me were higher. Though I could see no end to the hallway either direction, it made more sense to head in the opposite direction. Maybe when I got to zero there would be an intersection, or lobby of some kind.

I started walking down the long hall...

Part XIV

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XII

2006-08-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

We sat down on a long bench and listened to younger AC speak. He took his sermon from I Samuel 17, the story of David and Goliath. His main text was verse 45. He explained how all of the weapons that Goliath had were real, but faith in the power of God was more real. He went on to talk about how that faith is more real than substance, because faith in God's word, his own faith created everything around us. Literally, every thing in this world was made from something we cannot see or feel, but exists nonetheless,(Hebrews 11:3).

He spoke like I had never seen him speak before. He was a shy guy, who stuttered in front of groups, and who was never very confident, but this guy had something come over him that made him a totally different person. He had authority, and he spoke clearly and logically.

He soon called for people to come up to the front that wanted the power of God to be real in their lives. Five people went up, including the waif-like girl. He prayed for them fervently, like it really meant something, like he expected things to change. They all began to cry.

I felt something warm on my cheek, but then the light from the campfire faded and soon everything became charcoal grey and silent. Without going through a door or portal, Brown had brought me to another place, but it was not warm, or cold, and all was dark grey.

This time, I was alone with no one to guide me...

Part XIII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part XI

2006-08-05T01:23:00.000-04:00

Brown waved his hand and time sped by into the night. My two cans of Cherry 7-Up´s and Cow Tail Candy I had stolen from the trailer was gone. Brown laughed out loud, now he was really grinning.

We were at the back of a large group of teenagers around a campfire. It was hot and humid, but the smoke kept the bugs at bay. There was a young girl from South Africa with a guitar that was leading the song service. We were standing next to the younger AC and he looked more nervous than his wedding day. He had his bible open and was still trying to look up one more scripture for his first sermon.

I don´t know why or how I remembered, but when he looked away for a minute, I turned the bible to II Corinthinans 3:5-6, and then slapped the back of his head. He looked around shocked, then turned back to look at the page. He was confused how it had changed, but then he saw the passage.

The change I remembered had finally happened. Young AC finally stopped thinking how he would speak, how he would do something greater than he had ever done. He realized he had to trust in something bigger than himself if anything good was to happen here tonight.

The music finished up and he strode to the front, ready to do something he had never done before.

Part XII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part X

2006-08-03T01:23:00.000-04:00

There was a log nearby. Brown and I sat down to listen. Listening to yourself is always strange. Its a combination of embarrasment, fascination, and pride,(if you are doing ok). This was a different AC than I was now. He was excited about the bible and the things of God. He had a passion for what he was doing. He was not beat-down or depressed, he was happy and funny.

He was talking about how to keep your relationship with God fresh and new. He talked about putting aside things that kept you from God, about prayer time, and the power of the Holy Spirit in your life when he was allowed to reign.

There was a girl in the front near the left. She was a thin, pale, waif-like creature, who reminded me of Angela. There was a look about her that is hard to explain. She looked like an animal that had been beaten, but was hoping that they would find some kindness, somewhere. After the lesson ended, she lingered around, shyly asked the younger AC a couple of questions about the lesson, then left quickly with her friends.
"There's more to see here, do you want to stay around for a while?", Brown asked.
"Yeah...This was a good time."
We followed AC through the rest of his day. He chaperoned at the pool. He worked in the cafeteria, and when they were gone at crafts he snuck away to a little travel trailer where the counselors went for quiet time. Inside was an air conditioner and a refrigerator with a 12 pack of Cherry 7-Up, it was a blissful relief from the Oklahoma heat and humidity. He started studying his bible and writing down some notes in a notebook.

"Do you know what he is getting ready for?"
"He's speaking at the service tonight. It's really the first time for him to preach."
"Is he nervous?"
"Petrified. He's somewhere between wishing he could crawl under a rock with embarrasment, and yet feeling like its Christmas Eve and he has a huge present under the tree that he can't wait to open."
"Why is he so nervous?"
"Besides this being the first time, he stutters when he gets nervous. He turns red. He still has some self-esteem issues. He's still so young. He still feels like a kid, even though he's almost 20."
"Let's leave him alone, we'll see him tonight."
"Hold up, let me test something."

I opened the fridge, took out 2 of the Cherry 7-up's and a cow tail candy stick. I let the door make a sound, he didn't even flinch. I walked out of the trailer and popped the lid and felt very smug. Brown just shook his head, but he was still grinning.

Immediately, I remembered a feeling from those 20 years ago. I remembered thinking, "Where did all the pop go? I thought I had more!"
Scary...

Part XI

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part IX

2006-08-01T01:23:00.000-04:00

We walked out into a grassy path around a pond fed by a babbling brook. It was about 85 degrees out, and humid. Brown pointed towards the right where another path went through the pine woods. We walked through the woods out onto a road and started walking up the road towards what looked like the entrance to a ranch of some kind. As we got closer I could finally see the sign.

"Glory Ranch: Christian Summer Camp For Ages 12 to 19,
Cinnamon Creek, Dacoma, OK"
There was a big red barn through the gate, and several horses in a white fenced corral next to the barn. I could hear kids laughing and yelling in the distance. I finally remembered where I was. After my second year in college, I had worked for pretty much nothing at a Christian summer camp for several months. This was after I had the experience on the bridge.

Brown spoke up, "Let's look around some more. I wonder what's going on over there, by the fishing pond."

By the fishing pond was a campfire area, it had benches all around it, leading down to the fire. There were about 20 teenagers there listening to someone teaching them a bible lesson. What was so unusual was they were paying attention, and some even taking notes.

The teacher was me...

Part X

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part VIII

2006-07-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

I walked into the light and stood before a large fountain with ducks and geese happily paddling around. There was a park behind the fountain leading to a park with a wooden footbridge over a large stream leading to a gymnasium complex. Behind me was a large auditorium and a beautiful college campus. I was back at my alma mater, a Christian junior college in Kansas. I knew he was still with me. I looked straight ahead and spoke,
"Why are we here, Mr. Brown?"
"Walk towards the foot bridge, there's someone you need to see."

It was about 4:30 in the afternoon on a sunny April day. Leaning on the bridge was a young man in khakis, a white dress shirt with a loosened brown tie and a briefcase. He was looking absently at the water below. His expression was rapt, and it looked like there was the beginning of a tear at the corner of his eye. He had a bible in his hand opened to the book of II Corinthians. Verse 21 had been highlighted with a yellow marker.

It was myself again, almost twenty years younger.
"A.C., do you remember what happened on this day and why its so important?"
"I do...I had just finished a theology class on redemption. It was so outstanding because I had never understood what it meant to be righteous. I had never understood
that I didn't have to try to make God like me anymore. I didn't have to try to not sin. Jesus' death on the cross took care of all that for me. If I just depended on this fact in simple faith, I would never have to try so hard and fail over and over and over again."
"Why was that so important to you?"
"Because I always grew up thinking I could never be good enough, I could never keep from sinning. I always thought that the problem was me, and everyone else had it together. I always thought I was the failure, I was the weirdo, but it wasn't true. I went to altar over and over to get saved. I kept trying and trying to be good and failing over and over. That's why this was so important. This one truth changed everything for me."
There was silence for about four minutes. My younger self put his bible back in his briefcase and started walking towards the dorms. Brown finally spoke.
"There's another stop waiting for you..."
The door appeared at the end of the bridge and we walked through to another sunny place.

Part IX

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part VII

2006-07-27T01:23:00.000-04:00

The service soon came to an end. The doors opened to the chapel and people started coming out. I soon realized no one could see or hear me or Brown. I followed myself to the boy's dormitory with Brown following. It was so strange to see yourself outside of your own eyes.

No one went to bed right away. In fact we all kind of wandered around and talked about what had happened that night. I remember I had become close frieds with a red-haired stocky kid named Mark and a chubby guy with dark nerdy glasses named Brad. We were sitting on the bunks talking.
"AC, You were up at the altar for a long time. What happened?"
"I don't really know. It was so strange. I have been going to church as long as I can remember, but there was never a time when God was so real to me."
Mark spoke up.
"You've really got to be careful when you get back home. I've been to camp three times, and its so hard to stay close to God when you get back home. None of your friends understand, your parents think you are being weird if you spend a lot of time praying. People in church say they want us to be good Christians, but they don't want us to be on fire for God, it makes them look bad. They just want us to be religious."
"AC, What's this rumour about you and Tina behind the pool building. Someone said you guys were making out back there."
"It's no rumor Mark. It happened. I've repented of it, I know it wasn't right, and we haven't met since then."
"That's good AC. You've really got to give it all you've got if you want to keep your relationship with God intact. You've got to give your life to him whole-heartedly. "
"I will, Mark, I promise. I will..."

Mr. Brown turned to me.
"What happened to your promise?"
"I was young. I was still figuring things out. I got kind of busy when I got home. Then I met Amy, and things changed..."
"You know, you can be such a putz sometimes. This is not some optional, best case scenario. Your faith is not something that you work on when its convenient. It is your life. Being a Christian is not like a being a liberal republican or conservative democrat, its all or nothing. You knew that back then. But you have forgotten it. You want to know why you have forgotten it? Because you have forgotten that you are serving Christ, not out of fear, but out of love. That lesson is next. Come on, time to go."

A door appeared in the darkness with late afternoon sunshine streaming through...

Part VIII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part VI

2006-07-25T01:23:00.000-04:00

Mr. Brown had brought me back in time to the first summer camp I ever went to. It was in the hills of South Eastern Kentucky. I was about fourteen, and was the only kid from my church to go. The camp was part of our denomination's youth outreach, so I was dropped off by my pastor totally alone, not knowing a soul in the world.

The other nerds must have got my ultrasonic signal, in a matter of three hours I was with my people, talking about the merits of the Commodore 64 versus the TRS-80 color computer. My new friends got there a little late, before I found them I was invited to go on a walk with a large bosomed girl who kissed me behind the pool house,(I'm not making this up, it really happened). I think she needed to be at church camp more than I did. But I didn't complain at the time.

Mr. Brown must have known what I was thinking about, "Yes, we're all impressed with your little feat of carnality behind the pool house. A lot more happened than just checking out each other's tonsils. Something much more important..."

I didn't answer. The service let out, and everyone came out of the chapel.

Part VII

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part V

2006-07-22T01:23:00.000-04:00

We walked into a humid summer night, wetting our shoes in dewy, green grass. I could here singing coming from behind me. I turned to see a building that had a chapel on the front of it and a large grey building connected to it. I looked around to try to get my bearings, it was vaguely familiar. There was a line of trees opposite the church, next to a sports field. Next to that was an outdoor pool, and opposite that was a huge building that looked like a manor house.
"Where are we Mr. Brown?"
"It'll come back to you soon enough. Let's go see what's going on in the chapel."
We quietly entered the chapel. There were two men in their 30's wearing the same green polo shirt and jeans chatting in the lobby, but they acted like they did not see us. I peeked through windows on either side of the double doors.

Everyone was singing a slow song, and raising their hands. I could see a young guy in a blue Hawaiian shirt up at the front of the altar. He was kneeling in prayer with some other kids around him. Finally, he dried his eyes and got up. The other kids hugged his neck and he started back to his seat.

I finally recognized the young man as he walked up the aisle. I was looking at myself.

Part VI

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part IV

2006-07-21T01:23:00.000-04:00

Everything went gray and swirled, like being inside one of those acid-like Windows Media Players Visualizations, changing from grey to black in a thousand shades and colors, like it does when I listen to Coldplay. I floated beyond myself, beyond the call center and beyond thought and time.

Then it cleared up. I found myself in a small classroom. It was all white from the floor to ceiling. I sat in one of those chairs from High School, where it has a little desk on it. The only thing that looked real was the chalkboard. It was green and dusty with little pieces of chalk all over it.

A door opened, from where I don't remember and Mr. Brown walked in.
"AC, it's time for a little walk through memory lane. You have forgot who you are, you have forgot why you were put on this earth, and you have forgot the mercy and the love of God." With this, he walked to the blackboard and wrote in all capital block letters a scripture verse:

"My people have been lost sheep;
their shepherds have led them astray
and caused them to roam on the mountains.
They wandered over mountain and hill
and forgot their own resting place."
~Jeremiah 50:6

He cleared his throat and walked closer to me. "I am going to take you on a little trip to jog your memory. Step this way, please." With this he pointed to the wall on the east side of the room. A door appeared where there had been nothing but white wall before. It clicked, and the old hinges squealed as it slowly swung open. There was the clear darkness of night sprinkled with bright yellow stars in a summer sky before me. I rose and begin to walk towards the door.

Part V

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part III

2006-07-20T01:23:00.000-04:00

"Listen to me son, I'm not fooled by your vague excuses! You don't seek the things of God, and you don't even like to go to church. You read your bible once or twice a week, and you only pray when you feel guilty for something. You're overtaken with weaknesses and habits that you know better than to dabble in. It's not only that you are a sad excuse for a Christian, you sir, are becoming a sad excuse for a man!"

He stopped himself, and tried to soften it some. "AC, I know you have a good heart, but you need to pull yourself out of this slump you're in. I'm here because you can't go on living this way, you need to stop, and now!"

I thought before I spoke for a second. Then my own frustration with life in general, and my spiritual life specifically came through.
"Fine! You're right! I don't deny anything you say Mr. Brown! But would you throw me a bone here? I don't know how to get out of the place I'm in! The path is unclear, I see only grey where black and white used to be so clear. My world is dark, vague and sad. Bad habits are my only constants, and the only light is the love of my wife! Every time I try to pray, its just black and dark. If you know how to get back home, I wish you'd show me!"

He was silent...
He glared at me with a stare I could not comprehend if I studied him a thousand years. I couldn't tell if he was thinking, or trying to pause so he didn't kick my ass. He was the only Sunday School teacher I ever knew who could could control a room full of 5th grade boys without raising his voice.

"Come with me..."

Part IV

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part II

2006-07-18T01:23:00.000-04:00

I turned back to my phone and brought the call back on,
"Hi, sorry about the wait. I'll try to help you, I'm having some problems with the computer and the phone, so I'll do the best I can."
"There's nothing wrong with your computer or the phone system. I 'adjusted' them. No one but me and you will hear this conversation, and no one will see that you were off the phone."
"Who are you!?!"
"You don't recognize my voice? I'm Mr. Brown. I was your Sunday School teacher in the Fifth Grade."
"But you died! I went to your funeral! Who are you really?"
"Don't believe me yet? Look at your screen..."

There he was. The solemn man with a grey flat-top and glasses with the square black frames. He had taught me and my friends every Sunday morning. He had been a banker, but also had spent time in the Navy, he was the sort of old-school guy I always wanted to be like. He was amazing, because he was serious, but not stuffy. He always spoke to us like we were adults, but he had an authority about him that never allowed us to take liberties. As far as spiritual matters go, I could think of no one else I trusted more.

The image on the screen started speaking again.
"Do you believe me now?"
"I guess I have to...There's no earthly reason to explain what's going on. Why are you here?"
"We're concerned about you. We've been watching you for some time. You've been floundering. You could be in danger if you don't change your ways."
"Look, I know I'm not the best Christian in the world, and I've got some improvements to make, but I don't think its all that bad."

He looked at me with a look that made it very clear he did not like being trifled with. He pointed his finger at me, the hand and index finger came through the screen and I scooted back a little. He spoke again with a voice clear and firm...

Part III

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Malfunction Part I

2006-07-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

Ring...Ring...Ring...
"Anonymous Investments, This is AC, How can I help you"
As I picked up the phone, I noticed something odd on my photo display. The call clock that shows time on call had stopped, and the display was flashing "RECORD OFF", meaning the system that records each call was out of order. I looked at the clock display on my computer, it had stopped too.
Finally, the person on the other end of the phone spoke to me,
"Something wrong AC?"
"uhh...Yeah, my computer's not working..I think I need to get you to another agent. Hold on.."

I stood up and yelled to the floor supervisor,
"Hey, my computer and phone just malfunctioned, is there anyone else that can take this call so I can reset my system?"
He didn't hear me.
"Hey! I said I need some help here!"
Still, nothing at all, like I wasn't there. I yelled to one of the veterans two cubicles over.
"Hey! George! I got a problem with my computer and phone! Can you take this call?"
Again, George didn't even look my way, or act like he heard me. I guess I'm on my own with this one. Maybe it's just an informational call...

Part II

Thanks for reading,

AC

Introduction to "The Malfunction"

2006-07-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link to get to Part I of "The Malfunction")

"No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself."~Thomas Mann

I've got a new series that I will be starting in the next couple of days. It's called "The Malfunction". It's really different from other things that I have wrote here. It's my first attempt at serial fiction, but its not your run of the mill fiction. It's fiction combined with biographical elements from the humble life of yours truly.

I won't lie to you, it's a blatant rip-off of stories like "It's a Wonderful Life", or "A Christmas Carol", I'm more than willing to admit that. That's fine with me, imitating Dickens or Frank Capra is a hardly a bad place for any writer to start from. The other thing that inspired me was a story C.S. Lewis wrote called, "The Pilgrim's Regress", about a man finding his way back to God after being blinded by religion.

In my own life, the time spent in the call center has been a low point in my own spiritual growth. I've been less fervent, less faithful and more back-slidden than I care to admit. I'm writing this story to remind me of who I am, why I am here, and how much God loves me in spite of my own failures.

If you don't like "religious" writing, you may still want to stay tuned. I find a lot of established religion to be bondage to rules made by men. A relationship with God is always more important than simply obeying a bunch of rules. Back to the series, I'm going to be talking about some of the experiences I have had that have defined who I am. I am not going to be talking about doctrine, or shoving scripture down anyone's throat, it's just a story. If you're offended by any type of mention of Christianity, I understand if you don't want to read it, but I'm not writing this to convert anyone. This is not a missionary blog. I just want to share who I am with people I consider my friends.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Various Links

2006-07-12T01:23:00.000-04:00

Cubichell is one of the funniest office blogs I have seen in a while.

Information is a web-only novel set in a call center.

Lisa Hutch has a new blog. She's a law student in Canada.

FrancesDanger describes herself as "An enigma, wrapped in a cypher, smothered in secret sauce. "

And of course, I can't get enough of Savage Chickens.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Dead End Job

2006-07-09T13:23:00.000-04:00

I don't want no dead end job I don't wanna be no number I don't want no dead end job I don't wanna be no number The queue gets longer everyday I just ain't no time to stay I ain't gonna run away All I want to do is play Don't wanna be no teacher I don't wanna be no slave I don't wanna work no assembly line Like my uncle Dave The queue gets longer everyday I just ain't got time to stay I ain't gonna run away All I wanna do is play. (Lyrics from the Police song "Dead End Job", from the early days when they flirted with the idea of being punk.) Thanks for reading, AC

Comments? Comments?

2006-07-09T01:23:00.001-04:00

Click the link to read a very funny Pearls Before Swine cartoon about bloggers obsessed with comments. Got some blog-block going on right now. I feel somewhere between shell shocked with total craziness at work, and bored about talking about it. But stay tuned gentle readers, next week I will have something special lined up for you... Thanks for reading, AC

Dropping Knowledge

2006-07-01T01:23:00.000-04:00

Click the link above to check out Dropping Knowledge. Its an organization that actively promotes questioning held assumptions about the world around us. To learn more, click the link below for a very fascinating video that explains everything.

Watch the Quicktime Movie Here

Thanks for reading,

AC

Thinking too much...

2006-06-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

What do people without blogs do when they can't sleep? Warm milk? Diphenhydramine? Hot Showers? Valium? Re-runs of "My Three Sons"? Rank amateurs... Insomnia is caused by so many things, but with me its my brain going a million miles a second about everything and nothing. Sometimes the only thing for it is to drip the toxic brain poop onto the keyboard and then paddle off to dreamland. I remembered tonight that feeling I so rarely feel, but am amazed when I feel it. It is that feeling when you realize how utterly small and alone the universe can feel. When you think of all the people that exist and all the worlds around us, its not to hard to feel small. Even when I think about time, how eternity exists forever in both directions, and my cellular animation is a pathetic fart, not even a juicy, sonorous one, in the chemical composition of worlds that include such complex things as the smell of lavender and the taste of mangoes. I am reminded of what C.S. Lewis said about these sorts of moments, "Now that I am a Christian I do not have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable." But several days ago, I sat in the pew at church, feeling utterly at ease, aware of God's presence, knowing of his great love for a schmuck like me. One of the greatest lessons I ever learned in this world is that emotions are not reliable guides. Just like the magnetic field has changed through the years based on the magnetic orientation of lava on the earth, emotions change every day of our lives. If we only listen to our emotions, North becomes East, and South becomes West. Without looking to the stars, without looking at the map of those that have gone before you, we cannot find our way by just basing our decisions on experience and feeling. Its useless. Like using a GPS with no batteries, you will not know where you are. The existence of God and the reality of truth are not what keep me up at night. What keeps me up is actually wondering who I am. Today I found myself wanting to sign my email to an important client with the initials "AC". It happened more than once. Anonymity is nice in that it lets you explore that part of you that most of polite society never sees, but sometimes it feel like a Jekyl-Hyde relationship. I don't know when he is going to try to appear. But even the anonymous AC is not truly real. He is still unable to exist in the light of day, only in the darkness of a black Courier font on an unforgiving white page. Thanks for reading, AC

You Need Some Limits.

2006-06-27T01:23:00.000-04:00

I realized today what is wrong with my customers. They are spoiled. They are people who have been given everything that they have ever wanted. No one has ever taken the time to explain to them limits of what their money can buy. I really think that is why they act so rotten. Children without real limits run wild and act however they want.

Now look, I'm not talking about that large number of reasonable and polite people who call me every day and don't ask me to lasso the frickin' moon. No, there are many customers who not only understand the limits of customer service, they have the good sense to appreciate it when we go the extra mile to help them.

The problem is that there exists this other group of customers, the extra vocal minority. This past week I dealt with one and one of my co-workers dealt with another. What shocked me about these two customers was their utter lack of limits.

The first one, fortunately, I did not deal with. One of my co-workers did. A trade went bad, real bad. The customer lost a lot of money, it was his fault. We did everything we could, we tried to contact him, we tried to correct him, but none of it worked. So what did he do when he called back and was confronted with his own failure? He told us that we did not do enough, and our lack of rapid service was the cause for him losing money. He became abusive and said we would reimburse him for his loss when he had the investment sense of a rabid squirrel on crystal meth that had happened to become romantically involved with an old issue of Fortune Magazine.

The next ray of sunshine was mine. We actually screwed up on this one. Everything was set up, and I was twenty minutes late executing it when one of my newbies reminded me. When I called him, I was cool and collected,
"These things happen. I'm sorry it took awhile to process, there was a rush at the time."
"But why? Why did I have to wait? Why was my trade delayed? Why didn't someone call me back?"
"I'm do apologize for the delay sir. I will do my best to monitor it and call you back as soon as we know the outcome."
"I...I want a call every 15 minutes. I must know as soon as possible."
"Very good sir."

Every 15 minutes...What a putz. Your commission does not entitle you to that kind of service. You can look it up on the web or get a call back when its complete. I am not your freakin' concierge, and this is not the Waldorf Astoria! I am not going to get you front row tickets to The Pajama Game, a carriage ride through Central Park and a Frappachino to die for!

It's not that you aren't important as a human being. I believe in the dignity and worth of all human beings. What I don't believe is that you, personally, deserve more dignity, more kindness, more attention and more of my time and energy when other people are just as important.

In our attempt to give better and better service at less money we have created a super race of parasitic customers that resemble cranky toddlers with no limits. We can provide better service to more customers and quicker response times if we stop coddling these terrible two year olds that are masquerading as 40 year old men with comb-overs and platinum credit cards. There are people that deserve less service so we can provide better service to the majority of nice, reasonable people.

Thanks for reading,

AC

On My Own...Conclusion

2006-06-22T16:14:00.000-04:00

Click the above to read part I

Five minutes into my first day as a supervisor and I already had six calls in the queue holding over five minutes. They had left me with five fewer people than normal, and I was the only one on duty with more than one year's experience. I guess that was why I was left in charge.

Call volume is the strangest thing. It almost has a life of its own sometimes. You can try to study it, but many times it can't be counted on to be heavy or slow when you think it should be. It can come in gentle, like lapping waves on the beach, or like a Tsunami spawned by a 7.0 earthquake. What you almost never see at a call center,(at least mine), is that holy grail, "the nice rhythm", that mythical sort of traffic where there is always time to complete a conversation with a co-worker, always time to finish chewing or drinking before taking the next call, and never too many calls that you have to put your bladder on hold. That sort of phone traffic is a miracle when it comes and makes the job pleasant and carefree, except for the customers that is.

This was not a Tsunami yet, but it had the beginnings of a Nor'easter. I had about double the trades I normally took in an hour and no end in sight. We kept up a good fight for the first couple of hours and seemed to be keeping our heads above water when the "discriminating customers" started finishing their no foam decaf latte and decided they would drop a dime and see if they could make a casual trade or two.

"I've been on hold for way too long."
"Your customers deserve better treatment than this!"
"Do I get some sort of prize for holding this long?"
"You need to expedite this trade-Do you understand me?"

I managed to get most of my trades complete and decided that I needed to check out the situation before I took any more. If I just kept pounding them out and didn't check out what everybody else was doing, things would only get worse. The newbies were about two and a half hours behind on their post-trade customer calls and everyone else had many more non-completed trades than they should have. It was time to call in reinforcements.

I called Frank, the second shift guy, his little girl answered the phone and thought I was some stranger she wasn't supposed to talk to and hung up. I don't think he got the message. I left him voicemail on his cellphone. I called my supervisors cell phone-nothing. I sent him an email to his blackberry:"Need help-Frank not available-Calls holding 14 minutes and post trades are almost 3 hours overdue-AC"

The rest of the day was spent putting out fires, calming customers and just trying to keep from losing it. The staff did great, we all hung together, no one gave me a hard time, no one left. We all acted like some frickin' well-oiled machine, except that it was tumbling down an steep embankment, end over end, but a well-oiled machine none the less.

Frank and my supervisor showed up about three hours later, hardly the Cavalry. We made some sort of record for calls received in a four hour period. "Good job, AC! You held it all together.", my supervisor smacked me on the back lightly. I looked at him for about four seconds before I spoke. I wanted to tell him thanks for throwing me to the dogs with a small staff, but he's just as new as I am. He's still figuring it out too. At least with him, I know he doesn't have that core of evil like Larry and the previous GM did.

"You're welcome...Maybe not so much next time.", was the best thing I could say.

Thanks for reading,

AC

On My Own...Part II

2006-06-20T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the title to read part I)

My direct supervisor spent about twenty minutes giving me all the information I needed: new computer access, emergency phone numbers, and a list of what I needed to keep an eye on.
"It should run smooth. Don't worry about it. Last year, there was below average call volume and I think they even played Euchre when it got slow. I'm sure you won't have anything to worry about."
"I hope you're right. Who do you have scheduled in? Well, your newbies will handle the customer service queue and then Rob, John and Patricia will help you with the new trades queue."
"Uhh...That's about five people less than a regular shift. What do I do if call volume picks up beyond that?"
"If you have more than 15 minute hold time, call Frank, the second shift supervisor on his cell phone, if that doesn't work, here's my cell phone and blackberry info."

As he walked away, I had a real sinking feeling in my gut. It didn't get any better Sunday night. The truth is I don't really like being in charge at all. I don't like to make snap decisions. I don't like telling people what to do. I never wanted to be that guy.

I started the day with this dark foreboding feeling. It was like the first three levels of Doom III. You know something bad is going to go down, but you just don't know when or how, or what type of monster is going to come through the wall to get you. Trying to be as ready as possible, I had a big breakfast with steak and eggs and an English muffin. I listened to Dave Brubeck on the way to work. I knew I had to get that Paul-Desmond-Saxaphone-Inspired-Laid-Back-mojo working if things went south.

I don't know a lot about being a manager, but I do know this one important thing: act like you are calm and know what you are doing even when you don't. People that you are in charge of want to believe everything will be ok, they want to think that no matter how stressed they get, there is someone who is ready to help them and is not an idiot. The more I thought about it, the more I realized taking care of them was more important than any numbers we did today. If they were calm and not freaking out, we would get through whatever came.

I opened the doors, turned off the security system and started getting everything ready. Everyone straggled in one by one and we finally sat down and proceeded to boot everything up. When the ACD(Automatic Call Distribution) came up one minute after eight am, it jumped to six calls with a hold time of five minutes.

There was my monster...

More in part III

Thanks for reading,

AC

On My Own...Part I

2006-06-19T01:23:00.000-04:00

The new GM cleared his throat a little.

"A.C., We've been really pleased with how your group has been doing. They seem to be staying out of trouble and are pretty solid. You have done a good job handling the added authority."
"Thanks.", I didn't want to gush or say too much. I was still kind of nervous, and these kind of meetings still feel so alien to me.
He continued.
"On Monday, many of our larger customers will be leaving for a half day. We have picked that day to send our managers and the senior agents to a seminar. We want to you to be the supervisor for the first shift that day. You have the experience, and we think it would be good for you."
"Well...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about it, but I think I can handle it.", I tried not to sound scared to death. I knew when the raises finally came around this would be handy to have in my back pocket. Of course, on the other hand, I really never wanted to be a supervisor as my full time job.
"Well, that's great. We sure appreciate you stepping up. Don't think we don't notice all that you do."

He stood up. I stood up. We shook hands and I left the office. What had I got myself into now?

Click here for part II

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Fog of War

2006-06-17T01:23:00.000-04:00

There are times when my call center feels like a war zone. Because there are times when our transactions may take several calls inbound and outbound to complete, we may have multiple calls from different people before a customer is satisfied.

On Friday the call volume was brutal. Low on staff, problems with inbound servers and glitches in the software combined to make one of those days. Every call a problem, so few calls actually anything simple, and then there were the customers.

Screaming, yelling, crying, demanding, you would think the world had come to an end. It was like no one had ever heard that markets are volatile. Even the things we thought had been set up right went horribly wrong. My newbies were pulling the most incredible bone-headed moves I had ever seen in my almost six years in this business.

At some point I felt like I was in a war zone. The roar of noise from the voices and the ringing phones was like a wall of sound. Every call was a struggle, like trying to creep up some ridge pinned down by machine gun fire and snipers. Every decision made, every note taken, it was all wrong.

It reminded me of playing Call of Duty, the Moscow level. You start with no gun. There are Russian officers behind you threatening to kill you if you don't run into the machine gun fire ahead, and no where to hide, and no way to cheat. Probably the most realistic war game around.

The way it was unlike war is there was no camaraderie. No loyalty. No friendship. Sometimes we helped each other, but I couldn't depend on anyone to "have my back". Everyone was griping that someone else wasn't doing their job and why wasn't this person or that person helping them? We were just blaming each other for something that wasn't really any one person's fault, except maybe the people at the corporate office that have decided to keep our staff levels low, even though our call volume has become so high.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Links Worth a Click

2006-06-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

Some of you may notice that on my blogroll that besides blogs by other disgruntled call center agents, there are a lot of actually "serious" call center blogs on there. I didn't start out to link to those kinds of blogs, but after reading them and talking to some of their authors, I realized I needed to link to them. They are the type of blogs that can help make working in a call center not be purgatory. I'll do anything I can to help out my peeps in the trenches with the headphones chaining them to the cubicles, the whiny customers in their ears, and having to ask permission to go number one.

With that in mind, check out these two links:
CRM Lowdown
Service Untitled

Thanks for reading,

AC

A Very Satisfying Click

2006-06-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

One good thing about this job is how it makes you think about people in general, and what makes them act the way they do in particular. If you are an amateur sociologist like me, its like having your own laboratory where you can take samples from people all over the country. I've always wondered what makes people choose to be rude.

Rude customers are really not as common as you would think in my call center. Most people might be a little grumpy, but true vitriol doesn't come around that often. But, as they say, into each life some rain must fall and today was my turn. I really try to understand it, but every time I talk to rude people I feel in shock afterwards. The only good thing about rude customers is that if they curse, we can hang up on them.

When you get cursed at, belittled or verbally attacked, besides the obvious hurt feeling, there is this feeling of incredulity. You can't believe this person on the phone just said this mean thing to you when you were trying to help them. Its like when you see someone walking around in clothes that don't match or their underwear on the outside of their pants-you can't believe what you are seeing.

Here's how it felt today:

"Anonymous Investments, This is AC, how can I help you?"
"Yeah, I need to make a trade. I got this offer in the mail for two introductory trades at a reduced commission from my credit card company."
"Ok, Which credit card is it?"
"It's a Visa from NeverPayItOff Bank of New Hampshire."
"What's the offer code?"
"Offer 6392A6"
As I typed it in, I realized which offer this was. He had to sign up for an account and make a minimum of 20 trades a year. It was like some investment club for the same people that buy 20 albums from BMG music and then keep getting stuff they don't want automatically for years. This was one of those ideas thought up by people that don't realize most people don't like these kind of surprises.
"Ok, I found your offer, I'll be glad to take your trades, but I do need to remind you that part of this offer is that you have to make 20 more trades by the end of the year to keep the reduced commission rate."
"What!! It said nothing about that in the letter! It just says I get two introductory trades at a reduced commission! This is bullshit. I'm not getting stuck for something I don't want!"
"I'm sorry about the misunderstanding. I can send you the full details by email if you want to look over the offer before you set up an account."
"This is just bad business! You need to just give me the two trades at these rates and then I will decide whether I want to continue doing business with your company afterwards."
"I'm afraid I can't do that. We set this up with your credit card company with the agreement that you would make twenty more trades this year."
"This is bait and switch-you guys are a bunch of fucking crooks!"
"Sir, we aren't trying to cheat you, these details are listed on the back of that letter in the fine print. I have a copy of the letter on my desk. Now, if you are going to start cursing I will end this conversation NOW-What do you want to do?"
"Oh please, You little fucking retard, don't cry 'cause I said a bad word. Start living in the real world you baby!"
"Fine, You've made your decision.CLICK!!"

It felt good that I didn't lose my cool. I was the grown-up. I still had these hurt feelings inside. Everytime somebody speaks to me that way, I just want to clock out and go home. I still wondered who is this guy? What planet is he from? The rest of society goes about our daily business and do not start attacking strangers verbally because they won't give you something for nothing.

It wasn't really the cussing that did it. There is a lot of swearing in the call center. I have dropped the "F-Bomb" in at least seven posts that I know of, not to mention assorted other words. But I cuss after I get off the phone, or when I'm alone, or to express how I feel to my friends, but almost never do I go out of my way to make sure a person knows I am seriously swearing at them because I think they deserve it. That's something so different.

It's not the words, its the idea behind them. You have judged that person as not worthy of the same sort of respect we give everyone in society, that everyday kindness. Instead, you have told them you are so much better than them, and they only deserve to be spoken to in the crudest and most profane manner that can be expressed through spoken language.

I realize I may have made him look stupid. But after the third time he started calling me a crook, and saying we were trying to cheat him, I really didn't care. His cursing was my way out of a call that had no recovery. His potty mouth gave me the out.

Thanks dude, I was looking for a reason to not serve you-and there it was.

Thanks for reading,

AC

An Eternity of Hold

2006-06-11T01:23:00.000-04:00

I sat on hold today calling another call center. While I was on hold, someone yelled out, "AC, you have a call holding on line 201!"
"I'll get it in a second.",I yelled back.

Then it hit me, how many levels deep does the holding go?
People on hold for people on hold for people on hold, our modern life has become like holding up a mirror to a mirror and looking inside to a million worlds of the same people holding up the same mirror.

Someday it will become like a snake eating a snake. Everything will end as the whole world is on hold for everyone else in the world and we will all die there, dusty, hungry and cold, listening to a John Tesh version of "Crazy Train"...

Or we will all finally hang up and say, "Screw it! I'm going to go get a pizza and a beer. Then we will finally find jobs where there are no phones."

Thanks for reading,

AC

AC Hits Rock Bottom...

2006-06-09T01:23:00.000-04:00

I wrote the following several weeks ago. Things are better now, that does not change the importance of this post. It expresses a reality we don't see or hear about in our churches, and many times we refuse to express it inside ourselves. I've often said I never set out to convert my readers, just try to represent the Christian struggle accurately. Keep that in mind if you read this.

I can't sleep. Besides getting ready for some big anonymous event in my life, I feel like I'm running from God. I don't want to pray, or read my bible or anything. All I want to do is play video games, blog, watch TV, anything to stay busy so I'm not alone with him. At this time in my life, I am the embodiment of Blaine Pascal's quote,

"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."~Blaise Pascal

What will I do? How have things become this nuts? I have went from a well-respected "pillar of the church",(oh, how I hate that phrase), to some kind of in-the-shadows slacker who tries to keep out of church as much as possible.

I keep thinking things will change, but they have not. I keep hoping some event will happen to change it all, some it's-a-wonderful-life bullshit, but it never does. Just me, and him, and this awkward silence like there is some elephant doing the Lambada in the middle of the room in a Christian Dior gown with far too much cleavage-even for an elephant. See, for those of you that are kind of "thick", that's me using humor to diffuse the subject and lighten the tone. It only works for a second, and then I have that brick-in-my-gut feeling again.

There is a guy at church who I like. He's a really sweet guy, even though I have taken him out to lunch twice and he's never returned the favor,(you can be so small AC). But he always comes up and hugs my neck and tells me he is glad to see me, he always seeks me out and asks how I am doing. He truly cares about me.

But he's just so intense, just so weird, I keep him at arms length. I never let him in, I always seem to be too busy to be his friend, and it makes me ashamed. That is how my relationship with God has become. There is not just one great big sin holding me back, there are many little ones, but they all go back to the root of all sins: selfishness.

I want my own way. I want to do what I want, but I know it's killing me. I want God to love me, but I don't want to love him back. I want all of the benefits without any of the responsibilities. I've always been this way, deep down. But I think everybody tends toward this. It's called carnality.

I know the drill, there are people in my church, and churches all over this world that would tell me what to do:
"Pray more."
"Read the bible every day."
"Witness to one person every day."
"Memorize these scriptures."
"Listen to this tape."
"Watch this TV show."
"Pray this special prayer."
"Go to this meeting with this incredible preacher."
On and on it goes. But my answer never comes. What do you do when you have no desire to do any of those things? When you feel lazy, hurt, and without the energy to open your bible, and you don't have time for these super-abundant, simplistic platitudes that people are able to drop out of their mouth without even thinking about the effect of overloading everyone with more "have-to's"?

It seems that when people share their struggles with other Christians, it becomes the equivalent of a bunch of men who aren't mechanics all standing around a car on the side of the road, throwing out stupid ideas they heard from other stupid men who also couldn't fix a car. Maybe, we should consider that there is more complexity to a person's spirit, soul and body than the sort of barely English, simple instructions you find in an instruction manual for hooking up your DVD player. Dropping a million reasons why "you suck as a Christian" is rarely helpful to anyone...

The psalm that has meant more to me than anything else in the world comes to my mind,

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me; a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
~Psalm 42:7-11

Hope lives on, like a fire barely smoldering.
Oh God, show me the way.
You are greater than my weakness and greater than my sins.
I want to have the "want-to", to live for you,
but I can't find the way right now.
Please, I know I'm not the only lazy slacker on this planet,
please show me the way out of my callous indifference.
Give me the kind of relationship that is real,
and vital and not based on religion, or politics, or money.
I just want you, but I don't know how to get to you, or how to find the energy.
In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen.

I don't normally share this kind of thing with other people. Its really far too personal-but I'm willing to open myself up here, I think its worth it. Some people would say that prayer should always be a secret, well, it is mostly here. But I also want to confess how I really feel about my life to somebody, because I just can't seem to confess it to anybody in the flesh right now. Church just feels like some freak show some times. I read something over at Real Live Preacher the other day that really expressed how I feel about what is going in churches today:

"The whole thing reminds me of the kind of person who goes on and on and on about how great her children are and how they have straight A's and are perfect and all that stuff. Of course, she's talking to her friend whose children are making horrible grades and have all sorts of problems, but she just prattles on, either unaware or unconcerned about how this is making her friend feel.

Have you ever known someone like that? I have. And I'm sad to say it, but churches are often like that. All the shiny happy people are handing out awards and celebrating this or that. You can make the broken people feel even more broken if you're not careful. That would be bad enough, but it's even worse if you consider that the basic message of Christianity is that we're ALL broken and need help."

Thanks for reading,

AC

Random Linkage

2006-06-08T01:23:00.000-04:00

Hi,

Here's some links I hope you enjoy.
Mr. Jesse-Another caffeine-powered blogger.
Kate's Book Blog-interesting litblog.
Bittersweet Nothings-good writing-I love it when people share their journey with you-good stuff.
"A Journey to Perfection"-a blog by another call center worker.
Waterlilies-nice variety of fiction and funny definitions.
Jam-Butties-a nice variety of links every day.
Meme Therapy-Life from a science fiction point of view.

Thanks for reading,

AC

I Almost Forgot...

2006-06-06T01:23:00.000-04:00

Friday came early and ended late. But it was important because it reminded me what I hate about this place.

My wife called about 9:30 to let me know her parents were coming over. I could not be late, I had to be home by six. I normally get off between four and four-thirty, so I wasn't really concerned. I have a a 30 to 45 minute commute depending on traffic, so I had some time to play with.

The day rolled on and on, like trying to run up a hill during an avalanche, dodging most things and getting hit by others. I ate a couple of snacks, but never got to warm up my General Tso's chicken from last night. The queue times kept rolling, getting bigger and bigger. Twenty calls holding over ten minutes and one point and then falling to five calls at three minutes. All day long it was constant, never letting up.

I got some easy calls, but I kept getting calls that took way too long to do. I spent the day cleaning up problems and doing all I could to go the extra mile for my customers. I dealt with customers that called me back three and four times just to handle one trade. Then kept calling me, and kept calling me, and kept calling me. I felt like I had fallen into a pit of leeches and they would not come off.

Today was one of the few days that I fell into that horrible old feeling where I wanted to take more calls than I normally do, but I also noticed my calls were getting old. If I took more calls, the trades would be later and later, but if I didn't take more calls, people would have to hold longer. I've complained about this part of this job over and over. I just have such a block when it comes to this. I know policy is take four or five then start processing them, but the other people are taking seven or eight and then having things wait for sometimes an hour, which is a real no-no. We advertise that things are processed within twenty minutes, but that is certainly not always the case. This dichotomy is always what I struggle with it. It makes me vacillate between feeling smug because my average process time is quick, but sad because I don't handle as many transactions as everybody else.

Nearing the end of the day, I checked and my numbers were down, not enough to be fired, but noticeable. As I cleaned up my desk, one of my last calls was from a customer who started cursing about the high costs and his wait. I had to make a claim and give it to the quality department. It was 4:30, and this would take 15 minutes.

"AC, We've got twenty calls in the queue! We need you to stay until this rush is over!" my supervisor yelled across the floor.
"I'm sorry. I can't stay. I have people waiting for me."
"Are you sure you can't stay?"
"Yeah..I'm sure."
He looked really disappointed and didn't say anything else.

That's what really burned me up. I had already been there over ten hours. I had already given my all, and it wasn't enough. The other veterans had hit the doors. It's never enough for them. I give and give, I stay over, I go the extra mile, but its never enough.

The phones will keep ringing. I could stay all night. I could answer every phone that rings in this place, but it would never stop. They don't stop. There is no end. Its an eternity of that same high pitched chirp stored on the same solid state chip in the same grimy plastic phones. The phones will wear away to nothing, but the fucking phones will still keep ringing.

There are jobs in this world where you produce something. You put it in the mail, or on a pallet and it goes on a truck and that is it. There are jobs in this world that have a definite beginning and an end. There are places where when your time is done, people don't ask you to keep working. There are actually places where a bell or a buzzer rings and you drop everything, go home, kiss your wife and open a cold beer.

That's what so wrong here. We're a bunch of rats wearing little headphones, running on a wheel that never stops...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Hidden Evil

2006-06-02T01:23:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about evil again. I believe just like anyone can do good, anyone can be evil. Here's an earlier series that I did on evil:"What is Evil?". I've developed those thoughts a little more in the essay below.

The evil that humans do is rarely from a fully-actualized, eyes-wide-open, conscious sense of malice,(this does exist, thankfully its not common). For the most part, evil done to others comes from a mental exercise whereby we define the feelings, needs, and pain of others as much less real, much less vital than our own. Once we do this, all evil done to others becomes a simple matter of priorities. The amazing thing about this kind of exercise is that it never feels like evil, it can feel like nothing at all. You can whistle a happy tune as you destroy someone's life. Our needs, our conveniences, have so much more substance than these indistinct others, that no real thought is involved in doing evil to others.

In essence, others aren't as real. They don't have feelings, values or beliefs. They have become some sort of creature that only resembles a human being, except it does not possess the same spirit, soul or intellect as you. The mind-set becomes very similar to how slave owners saw their African slaves in the Southern U.S., or how Nazis saw the Jews in World War II Germany.

True evil does not start with raising oneself above others. Instead, it begins with lowering those around you to less than human. Its a selfishness that says, "I'm just an average Joe. Its all these other morons around me that are the problem. Why aren't there other normal, intelligent people around me? Instead, I'm surrounded by idiots!"

This type of "humble superiority" is seen everywhere. In the halls of government we see it both, Democrat and Republicans,(though sometimes it almost seems more common in liberal politicians). We see it in education, as educators decide to dumb-down curriculums, or expect less from us. We see it in the workplace, possibly clearer than anywhere else.

Returning to the ideas of the Nazis and the southern slave owners, this type of re-categorizing of others as sub-human leads to a form of patronization that is another form of this hidden evil:

Its an evil that knows what's best for us.
Its an evil that wants to "protect us from ourselves".
Its an evil that has decided we can't make our own decisions, or rule our own destiny.
Its an evil that appears forward-thinking, enlightened, and even benevolent.
Its exactly the opposite...

Whether it's expecting less from children in school, taking away personal rights in the name of safety and security, or so many other subtle actions, there are people that want to define us as so needy of their help. They would define us as a world of people that can't do anything without the help of some ivy-league graduate legislating morality or a well-meaning social worker with a PhD that feels they have to teach us how to raise our kids. There are those in the world whose mercy, pity and condescending attitude mix to form a curious compound that resembles hatred in a pretty shade of pink.

We don't need people ordering our society. I prefer the freedom to mess up my own life to some metric society that helps me every time I don't measure up to their insipid definitions of right and wrong-liberal and conservative. Democracy and society will always be a messy endeavor. Perfect order, cleanliness and everyone having the same cars, houses, lives, and thoughts is a crack-pipe dream that can only be accomplished through fascist means.

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Conspiracy of Normality

2006-06-01T01:23:00.000-04:00

Over my almost forty years of living on this earth I have heard so many people wish they could be normal.
"How does everybody else live right and keep it all together?"
"Why can't I be as organized as everyone else?"
"How does everyone else do so much more than I do?"
"I'll never be successful, skinny, rich, or loved like everyone else."

From the time we were little children and have been able to understand spoken language, everyone has been telling us what is normal and what is expected of us. The problem with this is we are told what is normal by people who aren't normal.

Everyone telling you what normal is tells themselves that they are the exception, but everybody else is normal. People think that either they are failures at being normal, or they just have to try harder. All the while, everybody keeps repeating the lies of normality. It seems that so few of us ever admit to anyone else that normal doesn't exist.

Don't misunderstand me. I understand the value of socialization, of teaching cultural norms and mores. We all need to at least have a concept of what society thinks is normal. I just think we should see them as what they really are: cultural ideals.

Normal is not the same as truth. They may cross paths from time to time at the Starbucks, or wave to each other at the Wal-mart, but they aren't neighbors, and they don't carpool. Normal wants to be everybody's best friend, normal is on the pep squad and plans the prom. Truth walks through the world making friends with the unpopular people, feeds stray dogs, and writes letters to the editor. Truth reads unpopular books, and asks unpopular questions. Truth doesn't give a rat's ass about being popular-it just wants to be understood, whether you like it or not. Normal changes minute by minute. Every PTA meeting, every pop star, every popular song, every new interpretation of morality, there are so many things that change what normal is. Normal exists as a continually changing vapor, even though it thinks itself a mountain of granite.

What does this have to do with call centers. Nothing and everything. What is important about the conspiracy of normality is that we don't take it so seriously. Do whatever is necessary for people to take you seriously, but don't become heart broken because you don't seem to have the ability to be normal. Don't buy into the lie that everyone around you is normal, and you are the freak or failure. That's the conspiracy of normality. What's important is that we live our lives seeking truth and not just trying to be normal.

Since I've worked in the call center, I've had days I suffered because I asked why I wasn't normal. Why don't I have the same call volume? Why don't I get the same numbers? When Larry ran the center, we all tried to be normal. Now, with the new management, they have begun to treat us more like individuals, and not just numbers on an ACD report.

Truth lives. Normal is overrated...
Thanks for reading,

AC

The Hatchet Man

2006-05-31T01:23:00.000-04:00

"AC, Check out this trade and tell me what you see.", my new boss asked me. I brought up the file and started reading through it. It was one of my corporate customers that demand such exact work and such painstaking research before they will pay.

The trade I was looking at was a masterpiece of mediocrity. Every "t" had been dotted and every "i" had been crossed. Nothing was authorized by the proper people, none of the required fields had been filled out, and there was no confirmation by email, fax or voicemail. It had been called in by someone that I had never spoke to before, there wasn't even a contact phone number for the customer-nothing at all.

As I read through, I knew we would not get paid, and would be lucky if we didn't get stuck with paying for something that was not authorized.

"Well...It's pretty bad. I..I can't believe how utterly messed up it is."
"I know. I don't know what was going through Suzie's mind when she did this. Look AC, Suzy just started working on these corporate customers, and she knows better. I want you to clean up the mess, and I want you to send the GM a report explaining what happened. I know this puts you in a strange situation, but with your new promotion we are expecting more out of you."

Things have become so strange lately. How did I go from being the whipping boy to the enforcer? As I started trying to piece together the aftermath of this call it became clear that Suzy did things in such a way we would not get our fee for this trade and we might even come out losing money. What was going through her head? She had been here a little longer than me, and she knew better!

After about 2 hours on the phone, sending emails and faxes, I finally got it all worked out, but we didn't get our fee. Now I had to send a report to the GM to explain the loss. There is part of me that feels like a traitor to be involved in management. I'm not one of them. But the other part of me knows that she was so wrong to do what she did. Whether I personally agree with management, people that go out of their way to lose the company money have to be stopped.

Then I realized why sending this report is the right thing to do. All of my time here, I have wished that management would make people responsible for quality and accuracy instead of just emphasizing high numbers. I said when I became part of lower management that I could be that positive change I wanted to see. Well, here it is: real change in management; making people accountable for their mistakes instead of just yelling or throwing vague memos at them.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Time Out...

2006-05-17T01:23:00.000-04:00

Hey Campers,

I've got to take off for two weeks. I've got too much to do and not enough time or intellectual energy to do it all-so CCP will have to suffer. I've got some interesting posts in the works, one called "The Hatchet Man", so check back in two weeks.

In the meantime, here are a couple of links to check out.
This,That and Frog Hair
The Evangelical Church Blues

Thanks for reading,

AC

Call Center Slave

2006-05-16T01:23:00.000-04:00

Hey! Stop what you're doing right now! Does your mother know that you do that? Stop feeling irrational guilt long enough to click the link above and go to a place you can get some help for the mountain of neurosis that you refuse to acknowledge that you are.

Go to the forum at Call Center Slave and tell your story of call center abuse, degradation, and even alienation, but hold back on the naughty bits-they have moderators on duty.

Seriously, this is a great site and I really think we need to support it.

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Joy of Alienation

2006-05-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

Click the link to read a series of posts I wrote about alienation. We always think of it as bad thing, which it is, but there is another side to it. First, some definitions:

Merriam Webster
Dictionary.com
Word Reference.com
Google Web Definitions

If I were to give my own definition of alienation, I would say something like:

Alienation: The state of being separated or excluded from the dominant group, or society in general. This state can results in feelings of isolation, guilt, or depression. Many times it is a result of not fulfilling, or rejecting the societal demands of the dominant group,
(i.e. socialization).

Feelings of alienation lead people to not only believe that they are separated from the world around them, but it makes them believe they are intrinsically different from everyone else around them. Of course, many alienated people feel like they are losers, just don't fit in,don't measure up, etc. etc.

What about the other side? I believe alienated people also start to develop the belief that they are better than the world that rejects them. "The whole world is nuts-I'm the only sane one!" is a natural thought of alienated people.

Actually, our mind will probably pick one of these two responses to feeling alienation. It either decides that society is right, and that they are failures that need to submit to society's demands in order to be accepted, or the mind decides that everyone around them is wrong, and they are the only sane one in a world gone mad.

In my own case, I have felt both of these feelings. I've felt guilty I could not be as successful as the other call center superstars. I've wished I could have received the performance plaques, and went to the pizza parties put on for the top performers. On the other hand, I have considered that I am the one who is right and they are wrong. I have seen what my call center society refuses to see: how running a business by queue times and average call length alone makes for unhappy customers. I have seen how treating people and employees well is more important than all the profits in the world. I'm sure that there are other people in my company that feel this way, it's just not something you discuss during working hours.

My point is that I am beginning the think that alienation is good for society. It is part of the evolution of a society. Without people who are on the outside of the dominant group, looking in and seeing what is wrong with that group, there is not a chance for positive change. It can be argued that alienation is almost like Darwin's theory of adaptation. Society tends toward methods and beliefs that are self-defeating and cannot always reproduce themselves forever. More clearly, the dominant ideas are like inbreeding. "We've always done it this way. There is no other way. Any change must be wrong." is the sort of thing that results when everyone is accepted and obeys the dominant paradigm.

Without people on the outside doing things differently, how will society change? Jesus Christ was alienated from the dominant religious group, but he made a great change to society. How many other people that were isolated from the dominant group eventually changed that group? People like Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, I could go on and on, but I think you can see my point.

Alienation feels horrible at the time. So often It results in loneliness, isolation, depression and hopelessness. I know, I've felt that way before, but it doesn't have to end as a bad thing. It is possible for alienation to be the catalyst to a better world. I guess the outcome is up to the individual.

Thanks for reading,

AC

When I Leave the Call Center...

2006-05-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

If you have read this blog for any length of time, you know I hate my job. I've often talked about how this place brings out the worst in people and how I hate so many things about it, and how I am going to find a new job some day, and how I have plans to have a great life once I leave the call center.

Yada, yada, yada, yada, ad nauseum.

Recently, there were other good changes in my life outside of the call center. Before these changes I found myself saying how I was going to finally get in better shape, and I would spend more time with my wife and family, and that I would go to church more and be a better person.

It didn't happen.

Some things improved, I am doing better in a lot of respects. But my life hasn't changed as much as I thought it would. It was this realization that made me rethink how I see my relationship with the call center.

Don't get me wrong. The call center still sucks. Oh, yeah, it sucks big time! It is still the equivalent of walking blindfolded and barefoot through a feed lot filled with rabid, feral pigs that have been there for two weeks after a solid diet of sauerkraut, beer and slim-jims. I still want to leave asap. The difference is that I realized every problem in my life can't be blamed on the call center.

I'm closer to leaving than I have been in a long time. All of my plans and arrangements are closer together than ever before. But its not enough. Leaving the call center will not make me a better person. The only person that can make me a better person is me.

If I don't make real changes to my own character and behavior, I will only be changing purgatories...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Links Worth a Click

2006-05-12T01:23:00.000-04:00

Check out some incredible photography by Margaret Stratton. Her series called "Detained in Purgatory" is a series of black and white photos that capture deep feelings of desolation, alienation and loneliness extremely well. A great deal of her photography is the sort of material that expresses reams of thought in a single image.

Read a new blog about working in a call center called Memoirs From My Call Center Experience.

Click over to read Anonymous Law Student who said he once punched a giraffe.

Those of you who have not seen this flash video need to click below. It's very funny with great music. I think the music is Korean, but you'll understand what's going on without a doubt.

If you liked "There She is", check out part 2, "Cake Dance". There are punk rabbits trying to take out the hero, and even more funny stuff.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Deference

2006-05-11T01:23:00.000-04:00

I've been spending some more time reading Tom Vander Well's blog lately. He has a really good post about apologizing in the call center. It got me to thinking about something that I think is one of the keys to good customer service, whether you work in a call center or not: deference.

Deference is lacking no matter where you go. Sometimes, I think it may be lacking more in the USA with our hyped-up sense of "I've got my rights" or "You're not any better than me!" mentality that is common in our country. I'm not bad mouthing America, I just think that we have developed a culture that is lacking in deference compared to others. Some people call America a Christian nation, that may be partly true as far as our dominant religious and cultural influences, but we don't exemplify every Christian ideal by a long shot.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
~Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

It's hard to imagine any of our cultural icons saying such a thing. Can you ever dream of a rap song about the value of deference? Can you imagine Bill O'Reilly saying, "Now, I don't agree with you, but I really want to make sure that you get a chance to fully explain your position. I promise I won't interrupt until you are done, Senator Kennedy."? How about an action film based on a courteous hero that solves world problems by gentle persuasion? Gandhi would be the closest to that. I'm not saying that those people don't exist here, they do. You can find wonderful, kind, deferential people in every state-even Jersey. It just seems that the popular culture magnifies only the brashest, rudest, and most prideful people. Because of this, many people, especially young people, see deference as a character flaw, and being "disrespected" by someone else as a personal travesty.

Deference is not being a suck-up, crawler, or brown noser. It's not being a phony or a toady. It's something much more basic and kind. One of the definitions of deference is "a courteous regard for people's feelings". That is putting other people's needs and feelings first.

When you talk about deference to another person, there is another expression that is intrinsically linked: saving face. When I've been to other countries I've seen this is more common. I remember the times when I really made a mistake and instead of making me feel bad or embarrassing me in public, a person would go out of their way to save my "face". They would either use a euphemism or present my failure in such a way that protected my image. When I realized their kindness, that person became my hero and I vowed to return the favor.

What does this have to do with call centers? I'll tell you. Many of us realize that many call centers hire a lot of young people, fresh out of high school, or in some cases, people that have spent most of their lives in low-paying jobs. Now, I'm not being elitist or prejudical, but I was a poor, young redneck once, and the concept of deference was as foreign a concept to me as a thesarus is to the current resident of the White House. My call center is a little different in that most people have some college, but we still get some people hired in at the entry level for the billing and customer service side.

The point is that many people working at call centers today don't see the value of deference. Instead, they get angry any time a customer "disrespects" them in any way. Even worse, when they call the customer to give them bad news, like a problem with their credit or margin problems, they sound more like a collections agent, "You don't have enough credit for this!", "We can't help you, you don't qualify!". Its no wonder there are so many angry call center customers when so many agents can never stop to think outside of their own feelings to consider the person on the other end of the phone.

I've always went out of my way to point out how customers should act in such a way that they deserve good service. But its not always their fault. Its human nature to get nasty if someone makes you look bad and embarrasses you. Deference is definitely one the keys to great customer service and to surviving bad days in Call Center Purgatory.

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Promotion

2006-05-10T01:23:00.000-04:00

It always amazes me how quickly things can change in just one day. As I struggled to keep my nose clean and make an acceptable number of trades last week, all of a sudden the Human Resources guy appeared at my desk. It was like he appeared from a panel in the floor, with the red flames of his lair still flashing around him.
"AC, finish that trade and come to my office when you are done."
I couldn't read him to tell if I was in trouble or not. My nose had been clean for the last two weeks. Of course, I always think the worst. I'm a real the-glass-is-completely-empty-and-there's-a-ring-on-the-table kind of guy. I walked in and sat down in the office, ready for anything. The GM started the conversation.

"AC, we want you to be a group leader. Your eye for detail has caught our attention. Our current group of trainees is floundering. They need some guidance. You will be responsible for six people. After training class, they will sit with you in the East corner of cubicles. They are to come to you for any questions or concerns. You will still be doing your regular work, but try to guide them and check their progress."
I was in a real state of shock. Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me.

"Of course, at this time the wages are still frozen, but we will consider this when your review comes up in October. So what do you think?"
(Ooh..I'm so shocked!)
"Uh..Sounds great. Sounds good. When do I start?"
"Tomorrow."

The next day, properly caffeinated, prepared for battle with a large breakfast of steak and eggs and a whole grapefruit, I moved to Newbie Corner and met my "team": four ladies, a young guy and an older man. It was a new experience. I had forgotten what it meant to be new. All day long, listening to them, making sure I didn't hear a shipwreck. I spent the day picking up the phone to walk them through simple transactions, reading their notes, trying to put them on the right path and not hurt their feelings. I even found times I could praise them when they were doing a good job.

On the way home I realized something about this. I have spent two years complaining about how I hate the management here, (at least when Larry was here), and now I am part of management. I wouldn't want to run the place, but watching over six people is not that bad. I could be the sort of change I wanted to see in this call center. I could do all those things that no one ever did for me. I felt hopeful, almost giddy.

By the end of the week, most of them were doing ok. Since they are still in training, I gave each of them a mini-review and explained what they are doing right and what they need to improve on. One of the older ladies in the group said, "Thanks, you're making this job much easier."

They say you can't kid a kidder. Well, you can't suck-up to a master suck-up. I could tell she was sincere. It made my day.
Thanks for reading,

AC

Gas Prices, The Bottom Line, and Right and Wrong

2006-05-06T01:23:00.000-04:00

There's nothing going on at the call center I really want to talk about today. Same old, same old. But I saw something on TV last week that I have been thinking about for some time.

I saw a reporter on TV interviewing an executive from one of the oil companies. The reporter asked him about their record profits, to which he admitted that his company was were doing better than it ever had before. The reporter then asked him the question we all wanted him to ask:

"Would you lower prices temporarily since you are doing so well?"

Without missing a beat, or taking a millisecond to think about it, he said:

"Oh no, we couldn't do that. We're in the business to make money. My stockholders wouldn't stand for that."

I turned it off after that and thought about his answer. I'm not an idiot, I know he needs to make money, be profitable. Needs to stay competitive in a global marketplace. All those hackneyed phrases that I hear on MSNBC, or on Marketplace. All those phrases that business people always utter when they are making the "hard decisions". But I really don't buy the whole package any more.

How does he know his stockholders wouldn't stand for it? Maybe that's because he's a stockholder, and the board is a stock holder, and everyone he knows is a stockholder. There are some of us who would hold onto stocks if we could know that they weren't evil. There are even mutual funds set up for that purpose.

The main thing that struck me was that there is an automatic disconnect between doing things for the good of the world at large and doing things that are good for the corporation. Behind the disconnect is this feeling that being a corporation means that profit always guides decisions, and always determines what is right and wrong. Profit is always right, even if its wrong.

I know there are some of you reading that may be thinking that I'm too simplistic and don't know about the day to day pressures of surviving in the business world. That I don't realize what it took for that oil company to get to this point. You could point out how the production of oil is an incredibly complicated process, spanning so many political, international, scientific and environmental issues that I was just being foolish to break things down to such platitudes.

The world is a complicated place, but some people enjoy making things complicated so that we won't look at things clearly. The oil companies are making bigger profits than they ever have before. They are not suffering. There is more to this world than profit. Our economy may be doing well, but there are still not real increases in wages, if nothing else many people are under-employed. There has never been such a pro-business administration. Hell, it's run by two Texas oil men!

They could lower the prices.

They could take in less than obscene profits for a while.

They could do good, but they won't...

Let's look at it from a different perspective. I heard someone say that the leaders we get are a representation of the people that we are. When Bill Clinton was in office, people said that he represented the slide in moral values of America as a country. I wonder if George Bush represents the slide in our economic values.

We lament the loss of call center jobs and the loss of manufacturing jobs, but we shop at Wal-Mart and Dell computers to get the cheapest goods from China and the cheapest tech support. We, the consumers, trade local jobs, local profits for cheapest prices.

The oil companies may be obsessed with profits to the detriment of the public good, but they aren't alone.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Stalking Me, Like the Silent and Deadly Canadian Goose...

2006-05-02T01:23:00.000-04:00

As I was taking my evening walk with my wife I happened upon a group of Canadian Geese. I guess they are handsome birds, but they shit all over the neighborhood like a herd of dachshunds on a strict fish oil and flax seed diet. Ever since I was a kid I have not liked Canadian Geese. They are loud and obnoxious. They are ill-tempered. How a nation of (mostly) mild-mannered and incredibly nice people like the Canadians ever claim them is beyond me. They really should be called New Jersey Geese, or maybe Long Island Geese, oh-even better, Philadelphia Geese(city of brotherly love, my ass-you haven't done business there!)

Back on track...

I remember as a darling and precocious child of five years old, my mother would take me to the park often to feed the ducks. I loved feeding the ducks,(stay with me on this, I'll get to my point). The mallards and the mergansers, they were all so sublime, as they made that low, happy quacking noise as I fed them white bread. They would overcome their shyness and come up and take it from my hand. I was king of the ducks and they adored me, at long as the bread held out.

Then one day, the geese came up to get some of the bread. They started kicking the ducks out of the way, I think one of them had brass knuckles. They started hissing and scaring away all the polite little ducks,
"Hisss!!! Eh?"
I was a little scared, but I held out a big piece of bread in the palm of my hand, expecting them to gently grab it like my friends the ducks always did.
Instead, the ungrateful Hoser chomped down on my palm and took the bread and hissed at me afterwards! It was like him and the other geese were laughing at my pain...
"Honk, Honk, Honk,"

Being very advanced and self-possessed for my tender years, I shouted at the goose, "You Feathered bastard!! You come back here right now! I'll tear your beak off and use it for a close pin! Where the Hell did you get teeth at?!"
Of course, in my rage and still developing language skills, all my Mom heard was "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!Mommy!! The bad ole goosey bit me!!"
As she kissed my boo-boo, I swore I would never trust another Canadian Goose again.

My customers remind me of the geese lately. I can hear them holding themselves back, just waiting until they can bite me, or honk and hiss at me. The thing is, like the Canadian Goose, they can't be stealthy. You never hear of ninjas employing stealth geese. They might make good watch dogs, but they would keep you up all night. Generally, Canadian Geese have a horrible personality, dominated by both overwhelming arrogance and meanness. Nobody ever keeps them as a pet and sleeps with them or talks about how loving and peaceful they are-that's because they are evil-evil-evil.

I have a lot of customers that are like the mallards, just a joy to work with and I want to do whatever it takes to keep them happy. Then the geese call in. I can smell the anger and the distrust over the phone. They want to bite my hand so bad.

Two of them come to mind. One lady who had only invested once, and that didn't turn out so good when she lost Boardwalk, started calling and yelling at a newbie because they couldn't understand her half-ass "elite investor talk" and then when I tried to help her she yelled at me because the trade wasn't done yet. Just like a goose trying to bite my hand.

Monday, a "gentleman" called me and proceeded to yell at me because the price of a stock changed. "What are you going to do about this! I am not happy! I have lost a lot of money on margin because of this price change!". It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. It was about as effective as yelling at a policeman because you ran over one of those "Severe Tire Damage Will Occur" exit only ramps. All I could hear was "Honk!Honk!Honk! Hisss!"

I just wish I could play back the recording to people so they could know how stupid they sound, even how mean. When my customers honk and hiss at me, at that instance, I change back to that little kid who got his hand bit. I am not helping you anymore. You are not getting my bread, and I am going to tell my dad what you look like, come hunting season! He has a doubled-barreled, 12 gauge, loaded with #4 steel shot with your name on it! Come Sunday after next, we will sit down to a big goose dinner. Then you will be filled with all the bread you want-it's called Stove-Top-bitch!.
Got it?

Ok...I feel a little better, and kind of hungry.
Thanks for reading,

AC

QA-QnA

2006-05-01T01:23:00.000-04:00

Click the link above to read a blog by Tom Vander Well. Now, I will warn you, he is one of the "serious" business bloggers, but he does it with a light touch and good writing that it is still a joy to read. I especially enjoyed his post about "Jazz and the Art of Quality Assessment".
Here's a quote from his personal page.

Tom Vander Well has spent the last 12 years helping companies with their call center quality assessment (QA) and training efforts. Tom is partner and Vice-President of c wenger group, a consulting firm in Des Moines, Iowa that specializes in helping clients measure and improve customer service in their contact centers.

Show him some love and give him a click.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Strange Relationships

2006-04-28T01:23:00.000-04:00

One of the stranger things about working at a call center like mine, where we do both inbound and outbound calls, is the sort of relationships you have with your callers. There are customers that I know well, I have dealt with them for a long time and I can finish their sentences for them and know what they need. That's actually pretty cool. Those people make my job easier, and I consider some of them friends.

The majority of my customers are not my friends. They are in that grey area of almost acquaintances. It's like flying on a long flight where you actually talk to the person sitting next to you. You may be friendly, but you accept that you will never see this person again, so you actually make no real attachment. It's weird to get to the end of your day and you can't remember half of your conversations.

I know that its fairly unrealistic to think I would have the sort of conversations where we share deep feelings, talk about things that matter, and develop meaningful conversations. Yeah, that's some serious B.S. . I guess the thing that bothers me is that spending all day talking to people, having such curt, cold conversations makes me feel kind of cold and lonely. I think the nature of call center work kind of makes you feel a little cheap, like you are paid to be pleasant to people that are only calling because they want things from you. I guess when I say it that way it sounds like I should be wearing something low-cut with fishnet stockings, but its really just not a good look for me, I'd have to shave my legs too, and that's just not the sort of slippery slope I'm interested in going down at this time in my life.

Some of its a personal thing, I've never been very good at keeping friends, or developing best friends. The nature of my job just seems to amplify that. I guess I want to actually talk to people, to talk about things bigger then mutual funds and bonds, and to feel that they hear me. Marx was right when he said that work causes alienation. It alienates you from what you produce, and the people around you.

At least I can still press the mute button and abuse my customers that way. That always helps.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Ask a Ninja

2006-04-26T01:23:00.000-04:00

I love this video...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Desperation around me...

2006-04-25T01:23:00.000-04:00

"AC, You exceeded your goals for the last six week period. There has been a thirty-six percent increase in calls answered and total transactions completed. We are very satisfied with your work to date here at Anonymous Investments."
My new supervisor reached out his hand and took my hand firmly and shook it. I was kind of shocked. This had never happened before.

"Thanks...I'm..I'm glad you're pleased."
"We'll talk more in a month or so. Keep up the good work!"

I walked out of the conference room a little dazed. Sure, I still had not seen any kind of real raise, but I had real praise, and that meant something. My euphoria was short lived as I got a fresh cup of coffee and headed for the cubicle farm again.

Like prairie dogs when there are no coyotes or rednecks with varmint rifles, the employees had popped up their heads and were kibitzing back and forth while it was slow.

"I got a written warning for my performance again."
"Its never enough for these people. I could do cartwheels and they would say they weren't high enough!"
"None of my extra work counts, none of the things that can't be measured mean anything to them!"
"I hate this place!"

I really felt bad for them. I had spent years feeling that way, and now I was the one that was actually doing well. I just made my own little victory kind of hollow. I know we can't all be winners. A call center is not like the Special Olympics. We don't get praise for trying our best.

That said, call centers, even good call centers, have this ability to make you feel alienated from your work. If you do what makes you feel human, you don't make them happy. If you do what they want, you can't always feel human.

Sometimes, its just a huge crap shoot. You never know what kind of callers you're going to get, its like playing cards. Some day you get customers who like you, who are easy to deal with, and other days you get these freaks that crawl out from under a rock and have nothing but the stupidest, most esoteric questions that are never answered to their satisfaction and never help your numbers.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Celebrating Springtime

2006-04-24T01:23:00.000-04:00

Springtime arrived today. Now, some people say the Robin is the sign of spring, or Tulips, or the Red Winged Blackbird. Not me. The hot blonde in spandex bike shorts rollerskating down the sidewalk is my favorite sign of Spring, and I saw her today.

Therefore, I decided to officially celebrate Springtime. Nothing big. I didn't put on a loose tunic and a crown of Dandelions, and run through the grass singing some ancient springtime ode.

No, my celebration was a little more common.

First, I pulled into 7-11 and got a Big Gulp. Then I opened up my CD case and found just the right CD, my own mix tape of the best thing to ever come out of Texas: ZZ Top. I then opened up all of my windows, found the longest way home I could think of, purposely picking long straightaways and country roads with few houses.

There is just such a different acoustic with the windows open. "Cheap Sunglasses" sounded like it was live and "La Grange" was outstanding. I accelerated 15 miles over the speed limit as the Holsteins became a blur of black white and green, grinning as I could hear my wife nagging in my mind everytime when I go 5 miles over the speed limit. I screamed the lyrics as loud as I could, and for 15 minutes, I was 16 years old again and had a big old toothy grin from ear to ear.

Sometimes, life is good.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Five Things Tag

2006-04-23T01:23:00.000-04:00

Diane Duane over at Out of Ambit tagged me back in March and I didn't read about it until just this week. Oops..
Here you go-but you won't get all the answers as it would interfere with the anonymity thing.

"The Five Things Tag"

What were you doing ten years ago?
If I told you, I'd have to kill you...

What were you doing one year ago?
Answering the phone and pondering imponderables...and stuff.

Five snacks you enjoy:
Totinos Sausage Pizza Rolls
Vanilla Ice Cream Sandwiches
Any big-ass piece of steak straight from the grill.
Tater Tots
A perfectly ripe mango

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
-"Boys of Summer"-Don Henley
-"Every Breath You Take"-The Police
-"La Grange"-ZZ Top
-"Roam"-The B-52's
-"Better is One Day"-Passion

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
-Buy a large plot of forested land where I would build a shack with a wood stove and a dig a well. I would hunt, fish or just get away from my manic world whenever I wanted.
-Go to Spain and Italy. Drive a Vespa through crowded cobblestone streets. Look at murals and churches. Drink wine. Maybe even pinch a butt or two when the Mrs. wasn't looking.
-Get a Masters degree in something useless to business. Philosophy, English, French, Music.
-Buy a yellow Cooper Mini.
-Hike the Appalachian Trail.

Five things you like doing:
-Blogging
-Something, Something...
-Watching Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Camping
-Listening to music

Five things you would never wear again:
-The Bart Simpson T-shirt
-The Nike Cortez tennis shoes with the Garfield shoe laces.
-The manatee tie
-The lilac colored dress shirt
-The purple sweatpants

Five favorite toys:
-"Take Five" Dave Brubeck CD
-Silva Orienteering Compass
-Book of George Orwell Essays
-Scorpion xenon ultra-bright flashlight,(We're talking,"AAHHH!! I'm blinded!" kind of bright).
-Leatherman tool

Now I have to tag five other bloggers..
Fidget
Miyna
Andrena
The BLS
Gary's Blog

Thanks for reading,

AC

Virus

2006-04-21T13:19:00.000-04:00

There are times when happiness comes on me like some benevolent virus. Infecting me slowly through a loving look,a favorite song, the taste of bitter caffeine on my tongue, and the smell of damp earth early in the morning.

The virus multiplies. Its genes are inserted and begin to replicate inside all of the grumpy, pissed-off cells in my soul. New cells emerge, the helical chains of amino acids and proteins twist into a half circle with the organelles and ribosomes moving into two groups opposite the curved DNA until every cell looks some huge colony of smiley faces. For the time being, I am pleasantly immune to the bacteria of human naughtiness that flows through my phone.

Rage on assholes, you won't hurt me today...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Anonymous Cog Finds Love-Conclusion

2006-04-20T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from part one)

In the first part of my last year of college, I was introduced to my future wife. It wasn't love at first sight by a long shot. I was more interested in her room-mate at the time, and was trying to be polite. Well, my friend ended up with her room-mate and I was still alone. Since I was in her circle of acquaintances, I did see her more, and begin to think about her more.

At first, she was not very interested in me that much either. In fact, she didn't speak to me much at all. It was the strangest start of any relationship I remember having with a girl. We saw each other more and more in the hallways. We talked a little more and more. Finally, there was an assignment in sociology to meet with someone you didn't know and ask them some questions. It was just the sort of opening I was looking for. I didn't have to be extra brave, I just had to see if she wanted to do a school assignment with me. She accepted. I tried to casually work in going to dinner and a movie, and she accepted also. Things were definitely looking up.

The date was the day after Valentine's day, I don't know why, but I decided to buy a purple carnation with a bow on it to give her. I was scared I was going over the top, scared she would think I was doing too much too fast. But she wasn't. She beamed and said "thank you" so sweetly I felt I would melt.

The movie was great, we had dinner at some little 50's diner place and then went home. We didn't kiss or hold hands or anything, but the night was charged with electricity. Talking to her was not like talking to Amy at all. I got the impression she was as smart, if not smarter than me. She had read lots and lots of books of all kinds. She went to the same type of church as I did. There were so many things that were so similar it was almost spooky.

Then there were her looks. She had beautiful honey blond hair that was long and shiny. She had a nice figure that was round in all the parts I liked and the clearest, bluest eyes I have ever seen. But best of all, she was incredibly kind.

The date went so well, I asked her out again and she accepted. This continued for three weeks until we were inseparable. We went to movies, museums, the zoo, to church together. We even volunteered at a couple of places together. I had never met such a person who was so utterly wonderful. My heart had finally found a home. She never played any head games, and she loved me in such a way that I actually believed in myself more and more each day.

When I started this series, I told you I believed my wife is the only girl for me and said I would explain to you why that was. Here's the reason: I spent so many years of my life looking for a woman, and had so many years of bad luck until I met her. Before my wife, when I did land a girl, she was either nuts, not that bright, or not kind. None of the other women I have ever went out with, or known has been like my wife. I know there are other women who are kind, beautiful, and smart, but I never ran into many of them. I experienced all of the other kinds of women. I had more than my fair share of the pretty head-cases, air-heads, silly girls, mean girls, loose girls, and all the others.

My wife is one in a billion. I can't take that chance again. It took too many years, too many heart-aches, and too much time to find her. Its not worth it to go anywhere else. I'm not saying she's perfect. There are some times she drives me nuts. Sometimes she makes me so mad I want to go live under a rock. But when I sit down with her on the couch, she still makes my hear beat faster. I still feel kind of dizzy if I stare in her eyes. She still makes me crazy with lust.

This blog is called Call Center Purgatory because I really hate my job. Even if I never find the job I love, I still have the woman I love, and that means a lot more than money or prestige or any kind of dream job. She is the reason I've stayed in this job so long, to make the money we need and to keep her happy and secure until I can find a better job. She makes it all worth it.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part VIII

2006-04-19T13:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from part one)

After I graduated from High School, I picked a Junior College about two hundred miles away from my folks. It was a real stretch for me, I had never been on my own. If I had not had the help of some great roommates, I would have never made it. We became like a family. I found a Joe-job flipping burgers and settled in to get my degree.

I still was not having much luck with women. I pulled off a couple of dates during school. I dated a nice Malaysian girl, but she made sure I knew she wouldn't marry me because I was not Malaysian. At the time, I was thinking, "Gee, I was thinking I wouldn't marry you because you're kind of nuts, but I guess you have a good reason too." I had a lot of these dates where it didn't feel like a date. By that I mean there was no spark. We were "just friends", we were just "hanging out", even if I originally thought I had made a date, I was horribly wrong.

I met a girl at the restaurant I worked at that went to the same college I did. We became good friends, but when I made it clear I wanted more, she lost her cool and really hurt my feelings. This one was especially tough because she was so smart and classy that she seemed perfect for me.

I struggled to get over it and kind of moped around the restaurant for a week, just trying to figure what was next. At one point, she yelled at me, "It's always something with you,isn't AC?" I just didn't talk to her anymore. I know I was immature, but she was heartless.

College was very good socially for me. Everyone wanted to be my friend, everyone wanted to talk to me, but never any more than that. When I filled out the college application I had thought that I would finally be around some mature women, women that didn't play games like Jan, women that would take me seriously. I felt very lost for awhile. There was part of me that enjoyed being on my own, enjoyed the single life, but I still had such a void that needed to be filled.

More tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read the conclusion.

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part VII

2006-04-17T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from part one)

My love life after Amy was pretty insubstantial. I became depressed. Amy and I tried to become friends, but it started going too far again. I don't know who believes that its possible for men and women to be friends after they have crossed a certain line in a physical relationship, but I don't buy it. Even if you manage to act like friends, there are always those images and feelings somewhere inside you, knowing that it could be more.

I think that its even harder for men, just because of how sex is so hard-wired into all that we do. It can be like some itch you can't scratch sometimes, some high-pitched hum that does not go away, but is always there annoying you. Then, to make things worse, there's this woman in front of you that you find attractive, just wanting to be friends. It can be too much. If I had to do it all over, I would not have dated seriously in my teens. I just don't think most guys that age have the sort of emotional maturity to be involved physically with girls.

For a while I felt like a yo-yo. Going back and forth to Amy. I wished she would tell me to get lost, I wished one of us would be strong, instead of some romantic purgatory, never going anywhere but never leaving each other. I wished I could find another girl. I wished I didn't have these feelings. I found my self thinking, "Is this the only girl in the world that will ever have anything to do with me? Do I need to stop looking? What's wrong with me?"

Before I had to make that decision my parents decided to move about 500 miles away to different jobs. They were moving us to a big city in the Midwest, to a world that would be so incredibly different from the town of thirty-thousand that I had grew up in. I wrote a post about one of my last days in the small town I called home-click here to read Water Tower Hill.

So, the decision had been made for me. She was 500 miles away, and there was nothing I could do about it. When I got to my new home, she sent me letters that curled my toes with lust, but also made me glad I had gotten away from her. In the big city, I felt pretty lonely for awhile, but I eventually made friends. I got involved with a youth group and started doing very well. At first, I met a really hot Latina girl* that was obviously interested in dating me, but I soon figured out she was "popular" with a lot of guys. I politely declined. I started doing a better job of being a real friend to the girls in my youth group. I started going out and hanging out in groups, with guys and girls. I still wanted more, but I wasn't going out of my way to get a girlfriend this time. The experience with Amy may have broke my heart, but I had made up my mind that I wouldn't go so far, so fast again.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read part VIII

*[Just a little foot note-I did not just put the phrase "hot Latina" in this post to get search engine hits, because the sort of hits you get from putting "hot Latina" in your text does not bring "quality hits". There truly was a "hot Latina" that wanted to go out with me-no joke. Not that I have anything against "hot Latinas". Quite the contrary. I am very fond of many Latinas, and yes, some of them are hot, especially Salma Hayek. But my respect for "hot Latinas" should not be seen as some stunt to get traffic-let's be clear on that! Okay then...]

Poverty, Politics and Faith

2006-04-16T01:23:00.000-04:00

I have actually updated my poor, little abandoned blog about poverty and politics. Click the top to read an editorial from the New York Times entitled "Christ Among the Partisans."

Thanks for reading,

AC

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part VI

2006-04-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from part one)
Things continued on with me and Amy for about six months before things soured. I believe the majority of the blame was my fault. I'm not proud of the young man that I was. I was a horny jerk who did not appreciate her kindness. Fortunately, we never had sex. Somewhere between my own moral upbringing and a consummate fear of getting her knocked up kept me from going too far.

I remember my dad warning me that he wasn't sure she was the right girl for me and that I needed to be careful to not get too physical. Dad was really wise about this because just telling me not to see her would not have worked, instead he approached it like I was another man about to make a mistake that he wanted to warn me about. When he said that I had this eyes-wide-open daymare of her pregnant, us living in a lousy mobile home with dirty faced kids running around our feet and me working at Radio Shack to bring home barely enough to live on. Meals of Kraft macaroni and cheese placed on a dirty particle-board table and her looking more haggard every day. I saw her becoming less and less kind and more unattractive every day, and my plans for a good life ebbing away. I don't know where the vision came from but I shuddered and re-thought my plans for carnal pleasure.

The other thing that may have caused me to break up with her was that I didn't respect her. She allowed me to be rude, she always did what I wanted to do, and she never spoke up for herself. She was kind of a doormat, just so she could have a boyfriend. She was actually as desperate to have love as I had been.

I discovered we were such different people. I loved books, writing, and programming computers. She was just a teenage girl who loved to gossip on the phone, buy new clothes and listen to top 40. When we weren't making out or on a date, just talking, I had this feeling we weren't on the same page. She didn't like to talk about anything particularly deep, or understand that much.

Before I broke up with Amy, I had become the equivalent of a married man. What I mean by that is that other girls flirted with me because either they thought I was safe and wouldn't respond, or because they were interested. I started wondering if the grass would be better on the other side of the fence. I remember one of the girls I used to eat lunch with called me one night, and we had a conversation that made up my mind for me. I trusted Sonya because she had always been straight with me and turned me down as a boyfriend the year before, but stayed a real friend.
"Hey Sonya, What's up?"
"So, you and Amy are pretty serious I hear."
"Well, we're going steady, but nothing more than that."
"that's not what I hear."
"Oh...Go on."
"Amy and her mom have plans for you. Big plans."
"What do you mean?"
"Marriage, dummy! She's telling other girls that you're in the bag. That her and her mom are talking about how you guys will get married after you graduate!" I said bye, and hung up the phone numbly. There was a re-run of my daymare, then I knew what I had to do.

The next day I told her I didn't want to want to go with her anymore, I didn't have any good reasons. I told her we would still be friends. She cried, and I felt about two inches tall. Of course, after this all of the girls that had flirted and acted so friendly all became cold and irritable. They had all circled the wagons, and I was the lone Indian in their sights. It was a rough couple of months until summer break.

More after Easter...
Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read part VII

Too Much Love?

2006-04-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

Here I am, about to write part VI of Anonymous Cog Finds Love, I think I've got about four more episodes left in me, and I find myself thinking, "Dude, What does this have to do with working at a call center?" Nothing really, actually things are ok at the call center right now. One thing I have learned about writing from having a blog is that when you are inspired to write about something you should finish it, because inspiration does not come about everyday. I'm stoked about this series because the ending is really good.

If you are bored with reading about the love life of an adolescent, sorry, check back next Friday, or read the archives. If that isn't enough, look on the blogroll for section entitled "Call Center Bloggers", you can even find serious management blogs there.

Oh, and a note for you Google searchers, you will not find "Call Center Comics", or "Funny Call Center Videos" or "Call Center Jokes" on this website. If you're looking for something funny, go to this site or listen to some great mp3's at Carlos Mencia's website.
Thanks for reading,

AC

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part V

2006-04-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from the beginning)
For once in my short little life, things were going well. I had a great girlfriend that really liked me. I was popular and enjoying life. My grades sucked, but that's another story.

After that first date, things started moving fast between Amy and me. I remember our first kiss was out behind the church after a youth event. I was hooked after that. I had never kissed a girl before that, but I was a quick study and seemed to have a real motivation to practice as much as possible. For my own personal betterment of course, it had nothing to do with the hormones coursing through my veins.

I had no car, and was not allowed to borrow the car yet. We got together at youth group events, school or I rode my bike the three to four miles it took to get to her house or vice versa, otherwise I had to get my folks to drop me off. In my quest to find new and different places to make out, I discovered something at my school. Behind the bleachers, there was a small maintenance shed. It should have been locked, but the maintenance man left the lock on it in the hasp so from a distance it looked locked but wasn't. Our school had open lunches, and there were other times that we could sneak away for a few moments of bliss.

We hadn't really told a lot of people we were an item, but they had their suspicions. Then, when the teacher caught us kissing, everyone knew. I didn't really mind "the shame of it all", because it made me even more popular on campus. Finally, I was the Romeo, the lover-boy, the "dangerous guy". I had never been "bad seed" before, It was kind of cool. Somehow my parents never found out about, all I got was a stern talking to and a bad reputation.

The most satisfying event that happened after that was that when Jan found out about it, she was pissed. She sought me out sitting by myself one day and we had this conversation.
"I just heard about what happened between you and Amy! I am so disappointed in you!"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me! What do you mean making out with her like that?"
"Hold it. Why should this disappoint you? Would you explain that to me?"
"Well...uh...It just does!"
She stormed off and I almost laughed out loud as she walked away. Not only had I become the bad boy, but I finally got the better of one of those women that played games with me but never would go out with me. Part of me was disappointed that she could have been my girl and I had ruined my chances forever, but I decided something about women at that point: I'd rather have a pleasant woman that was kind and didn't play games than some glamorous head case. Maybe Amy wasn't the prettiest girl in school, but she wasn't some vain headcase.

More tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read part VI

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part IV

2006-04-12T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from the beginning)
After having my ego bruised by being dumped by the ugliest girl in school because "God told her to", I was not as active in my search for love. There were a couple of close calls with a strawberry blonde horsey girl,(she liked horses-did not look like one) and a black haired girl that I leaned in to kiss and then pulled away at the last minute. I was still gun-shy, still striking out. I sort of stopped trying so hard for a while. It was obvious my efforts had not worked up until this point.

Several years went by and I found myself a sophomore in a small high school somewhere in the Midwest. I had become the emperor of the friend zone. I had a lot of girls that I hung out with, I wrote for the school newspaper. I wasn't the school jock, but I was fairly popular.

After the Winter break, school started and their were four new girls in class. A tall blonde with a nice, slim figure named Jan, her sister Carol who had short black hair and an equally nice figure, and a brunette named Amy with big blue eyes, a sweet face, and a figure that could be described as a little "thick" around the middle. She was very shy, but seemed nice. Somehow, I never really considered girls that, I don't know how to say it, had a little extra, as a bad thing. I guess my German heritage means I lean toward the healthy girls a little. Click here to read a whole post about this subject.

I found I got along great with Jan, we were joking together and hanging out a lot. I couldn't figure out Carol or Amy, they said very little, if anything at all. As time went on, Jan flirted with me, sent some kind of signals, but when push came to shove, she wouldn't go out with me. She didn't blow me off, but she always had an excuse, she was always busy, or would simply change the subject, but she kept being flirtatious. I finally decided that she was just a waste of time, one of those women that either didn't know what she wanted, or was speaking some strange language that sounded like English, but the nouns, verbs and adjectives all meant something different. Yes meant no, maybe means no, and no means yes, but you have to keep trying harder for a while before it actually means yes. My head hurt, I wrote her off and went rabbit hunting to clear my mind from the detritus she had filled it with.

Meanwhile, without me asking, trying hard or anything, one of my friends told me that Amy wanted to go out with me.
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm serious!"
"Right, I've heard this before. OK, I'll play along. Ask her if she wants to meet at the mall on Saturday to go see a movie."
The flurry of communications commenced and by the end of the day I had my first official date with a real live girl.

My dad dropped me off at the mall and we went to the movie. She had makeup on. She smelled good. She had this way about her that told me she was as excited about this as I was. She laughed at all my lame jokes. She sort of snuggled up to me in the theater. I actually pulled off the arm stretch maneuver and had my arm around her and rested it on her neck.

After the movie, we walked up and down the mall looking at the stores. We held hands. I managed to have enough money for a couple of tacos and pepsi's at a dark little Mexican restaurant. I could not believe that this was happening. I was on a date with a girl, and she liked me! As I looked at her, it was like with Mary, my minds eye softened her image like baby oil on a camera lens. Her eyes were bluer, her lips redder and for once in my life everything was wonderful.

More tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read part V

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part III

2006-04-11T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link to start from the beginning)
I thought and thought about Mary. Why was she saying these things about me? We had never spoke seriously. In fact, I had teased her, made fun of her and never really talked to her,(yes, I was kind of a mean kid at this point in my life). I hung out with some of the popular girls, and she was not considered in that group..

It just didn't make sense! But the hormones were still screaming over reason's calm, cool, collected voice-"SHE GIRL! HAS BREASTS AND CURVY PARTS! SAYS LIKES YOU! MUST TRY! LOSER LIKE YOU NO HAVE MANY OPTIONS!". I think most teen-age boys have that burgeoning male chauvinist pig voice inside leading us to so many stupid decisions. I was sure she would go with me. Why shouldn't she? I was popular, I was not the ugliest guy in school, and I was cool. Damn Cool-just ask my Mom and my Gramma! I had an Izod shirt for crying out loud!

That Friday afternoon, I finally decided I would ask her to "go with me".

"Mary, would you go with me?"
"Wow, I'm flattered. But I'll have to pray about it. I'll let you know Monday."
My mouth dropped open. I stammered out a weak "OK." and turned on my heels and walked off.

It was a long weekend. My complete lack of real social cues left me with no idea what to do. Pray about it! Why was she spreading rumors only to tell me that she would have to pray about it! Women were making less and less sense to my seventh grade mind. Now they were mixing religion with romance. I didn't understand religion, and now God was getting involved in my love life! Why didn't I ever have a Sunday School lesson about this? Nobody told me HE was going to get this involved in my life!

Monday finally came.

"So what about my offer?"
"I prayed about it and God doesn't want me to go with you. Sorry."
"OK...."

I couldn't think of anything to say at this point. I mean, she had me with the God bit. At that point in my young, naive life, I had never been taught to question the prayers of others, and if someone had the cajones to say "Thus sayeth the Lord!", I wasn't going to doubt them. What really pissed me off was I was dumped by the ugliest girl in school because God told her to!

I quickly stopped to pray a quick and very serious prayer. I promised Him I would never linger over the bra section of the Penny's catalog if He stopped this madness, and stopped interfering in this part of my life. I don't think He listened. After this, I didn't think I could have possibly have any worse luck with women than I had up to this point. This had to be the apex of loserdom, the height of my depths, the lowest point, the Mariana Trench of romantic misfortune. Things had to get better!

Some years later, I realized what a little schmuck I had been. I walked right into her trap and made the unpopular, mean and ugly girl suddenly attractive and smart. Of course God had nothing to do with it. I can't blame her. I deserved to look stupid. I actually kind of respect her for being that cunning for a seventh grader. I have since learned that people blame God for anything and everything, and will say the most incredibly stupid things were his idea.

Tomorrow-Young AC actually breaks his losing streak-I promise...
Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read part IV

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part II

2006-04-10T01:23:00.000-04:00

(click the link above to start from part one)

As I started Junior High School, things changed. Due to an influx of hormones, and some real mixed messages I received while watching late night re-runs of Benny Hill, I started considering that there could more to girls than just holding hands. Sometimes I have wondered if it would not be better for society if we locked all Junior High boys in a closet until the hormone levels even out. It's such a rough time, and they just don't understand things around them. They smell, their voices are changing, they can't be reasoned with, they are just sort of sub-human for a while. I say this from the experience of having been one, a summer spent as a camp counselor, and several years teaching Sunday School.

The first positive change I remembered in Junior High was that girls started actually being my friends. I hung out with them, ate lunch with them, and learned more of their mysterious ways. I actually found myself on the receiving end of flirting from time to time, but I never figured what was the next step after that and they didn't seem to be explaining it to me. At least I actually felt more comfortable around them, but still came up just short of an actual girlfriend.

There were two strange episodes that stick out in my mind. The first involved a girl named Angela. She was a thin, waif-like creature with short black hair, big dark eyes, and again, had a slight over-bite that fascinated me. She was also very shy and rarely talked to anyone. We hadn't really talked before that, but had some of those longing looks that teen-agers can be so famous for. My dad called that look "making cow eyes".

I remember towards the end of school, we all went on a field trip for science class. We had to collect samples or plants and flowers. We were all walking through some fields that had been left fallow for a couple of years, so there were all kinds of plants. I had already found some yellow wild clover and some burdock, so that would be enough for my assignment, then I saw it. It was a large purple flower that was in between two thistles. I don't know what it was, but it was striking, like something you would buy in a florist shop. I picked it, hid it as best I could and put it in her locker when no one was looking.

She found out it was me, and thanked me sweetly. She gave me her address on the last day of school and asked me to write her during the summer. She lived a little too far away for me to ride my bike. I wrote her five or six times. I got one letter back from her, and it said "I love you.". I was ecstatic. Finally, I had a girlfriend. As soon as school started, I was sure life would be good. When she came back to school in the she was different. She avoided me, and blew me off when I tried to talk to her. I even over heard her telling people about my letters once. She moved away soon after that and I never saw her again.

The second incident was in the eighth grade. There was a girl named Mary in my Junior High, unlike Angela, she was not pretty. She had a bad complexion, greasy hair in some Dorothy Hamill style, a pear shaped figure, big ugly glasses and braces that resembled the grill of a pinto that had been totaled. I realize looks aren't everything, but she was a gossip that was mean and snotty to other people. She bragged about being a Christian, but was not even nice.

How in the world did I get involved with her? Good question. The girls that were my friends and that I ate lunch with asked me if we were an item.
"What do you mean?"
"She's telling everyone she likes you, and that you are going to ask her out."
"Ok..I really haven't talked to her much. I don't know anything about that."
They just grinned and waited until recess to run and gossip with the other girls about this. I went to a very small school, gossip was almost a lettered sport with jackets given out.

So I started thinking about it. The more I thought about it, the prettier she became in my mind, like someone was putting baby oil on the lens of my brain. I thought maybe I had been too hasty. Perhaps it was worth a try. I still had not ever got a kiss, or ever held the hand of a girl. She was a Christian, I was Christian...I decided I would give it a try, even though there was this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.

More tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,

AC

Click here to read part III

Anonymous Cog Finds Love Part I

2006-04-09T01:23:00.000-04:00

"Have you heard about the lonesome loser?
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time.
Have you heard about the lonesome loser?
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'"~Little River Band

Everyone has a different idea about what true love is. Every couple is different and finds each other in unique way. In my own life, I have no doubt that my wife is the only one for me. We've been together almost twenty years. Besides the fact that we are so happy together, there is another reason I believe she is the only girl for me. Let me tell you about my love life before her.

I have always liked girls, from first grade I always found them interesting. Unfortunately they have not always have been as interested in me. Besides being kind of shy, and having the sort of mouth that orthodontists look at and see new cars, I was always kind of a "husky kid", at least that was how Sears always described my body type. I wasn't huge, I still played sports, but I was always self-conscious about being a little pudgy.

Of course, in grade school I didn't have a real girlfriend, but this was not for lack of trying. The first girl I had a real crush on was Amy Howard, click the link to read a story about that. In grade school, I always seemed to be too shy to tell a girl I liked her, or just got shot down when I tried.

Now, I know what some of you are saying, "Grade school is too young to have a girl-friend!". I don't disagree with you. I know I was way too serious about it than I should have been at that age. Of course, at that age, I wouldn't have known what to do with a girl if I had one. All I knew was they were pretty and nicer than boys, and I wanted them to be my friends, maybe approach the ecstasy of holding hands or even a kiss on the cheek.

Even now, I remember that the feelings I had as a kid were real. When I got shot down, or rejected, it really hurt. The thing so many of us forget about being a kid is that their emotions are still very real. On some level, their emotions are more real than ours because they have nothing to compare them with, no perspective, no way to shrug it off, or even realize that emotions are not accurate guides. A child's broken heart and hurt emotions are just as real as an adults, sometimes its even worse.

In fourth grade, I remember walking home with a girl named Annie. Our houses were a couple of blocks apart, but I always went out of my way to be with her. She had glasses, short brown hair and was very pretty in my mind. Week after week I walked home with her. She never told me to get lost, but she wouldn't let me carry her books. She was my first memory of a girl that sent me mixed messages. I know now she was being polite, but fourth grade boys are pretty dense and live in a simplistic world. They are hoping for black and white and don't always have the ability to see shades of gray.

Between fifth and sixth grade, there was one girl that I actually considered marrying. I realize that was some fairly long range planning for a guy that had problems remembering to change his underwear, but in my pre-pubescent mind, I was as serious as a heart attack. Her name was Elizabeth, she was my pastor's daughter. I don't know what it was about her, but I would have traded my BMX bike, and Crossman 760 BB gun* to be her boyfriend. She had big blue eyes, curly chestnut colored hair and white straight teeth, with a little bit of an over bite that I found oh-so seductive when she drowned her lips with that great smelling strawberry flavored lip gloss.

I was actually best friends with her brother, and the three of us hung out together all the time. I don't remember how it came about, but whenever I tried to become more than a friend, she shot me down. When her and her brother moved out of town, I was crushed. I remember it felt like my little world was over. I never got beyond the friend zone with her.

Thinking about it now it seems like I exuded this sort of desperation around girls that ruined my chances. It was like they could smell it, but this would not last forever.

More tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,

AC
Click here to read part II

*I had a Daisy Red Rider BB gun too(like Ralphie in a Christmas Story), but the Crossman 760 was my favorite-you can pump it up multiple times to increase power and shoot either bb's or pellets. Just a little useless factoid.

Out of Touch

2006-04-02T01:23:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody, I'll be out of touch for about a week due to anonymous drama and an internet outage-don't worry, got something in the works called "Anonymous Cog Finds Love."-should be good.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Sadness Arrives For a Visit.

2006-04-01T01:23:00.000-05:00

Sadness.

My personal definition of Sadness is an emotional sickness where feelings of hurt and depression are common. It can be caused by known or even unknown factors, whether problems perceived in the world around you, especially relationships, or physical factors such lack of sleep, poor nutrition, or other bio-chemical factors.

Feeling sad sucks. I think we can all agree on that. I don't like it because what remains in my own antiquated definitions of masculinity tells me being sad is a "feminine emotion". I know that's bullshit, but you don't go from being raised a dyed-in-the-wool redneck to a sensitive man who's in touch with all aspects of his inner child overnight. I'm trying to ease into it. I bought some after-shave moisturizer last week, I think this is a positive step in the right direction, but I still mix it with my Aqua Velva. Can't help it, I'm a menthol after-shave addict.

Anyway, beauty tips aside, sometimes I feel like sadness is some ninja-like foe, waiting in the darkness ready to leap out with a black sword and pierce my heart when I least expect it. In reality, many times sadness is like a virus, incubating little by little until I wake up with congested emotions and a chapped will-to-go- on-living.

Take this last week for example.

Monday, I went to work, everything was fine, except I returned a call to a customer to set up a trade and I got this little ray of sunshine from that companies administrator:"I've talked to you people over and over and you don't get it. Don't worry about doing any work for us! Your company can't follow up on anything we ask you to do! We'll call another broker! The person that called you didn't realize this!"

I sort of did that "emotional gulp" that men do, and went back to work, but it still hurt.

On Thursday, a customer called and went on and on about how they are going to stop doing business with us, and how they can't rely on us. It didn't matter what I said, he wanted to vent, I finally gave him the phone number to corporate and tried to get off the phone.
Gulp..Gulp...

On Friday, I called one of our outside vendors for help with something and got this little ray of sunshine, "We don't do business with your division anymore. Don't call here anymore. Do you understand?"

I hung up, and felt broken inside. Like I had been slugged in the gut. I just felt sad. I had taken it all week and I have had enough. If things weren't going better with management, I may have hit the clock for the final time and just driven somewhere, anywhere where there were no phones.

Even though I don't like my job, there is a part of me that enjoys being part of a large fairly successful company. I like it when we all work together and customers are happy. I like it when we do things right. I like being part of a team.

People don't realize that when you call someone and tell them how much their company stinks, it hurts that person on the other end. A company is not just mortar and brick, it's like an entity made up of tissue and cells. People are the cells that make up a company. Some of us put heart and soul into taking care of our customers. We spend time away from our families, we don't take lunch, we come early and stay late, so we can take care of you.

Then you call up and explain what a horrible company we work for, thinking you are some "incredibly discerning customer that demands quality service" and need to let us know these things. You know, that sort of rhetoric just shows what a small minded human being you are. It shows the lack of real professionalism, grace, and basic human kindness you should have learned in kindergarten.

If you don't want to do business with me, fine, I understand that. Just communicate in a way that doesn't poison the rest of my day. I don't know, maybe even some say something like, "Nothing personal, but I'm afraid we're rethinking our relationship with your company. Thanks for calling." Would that be so hard? Would that kind of politeness kill you? Instead I have to hear personal attacks from cretins with the sensitivity of a Mack truck without brakes.

Ok....

I feel better now that I've got that out of my system. Thanks for being there for this little bit of nastiness.
As always, thanks for reading,

Your friend,

AC

Oh, Please, Oh Please Mr. Customer, Please Don't Threaten Me!

2006-03-31T01:23:00.000-05:00

In the last couple of days I have noticed something about my customers. When they feel they are being taken advantage of, or think they are being ignored or just aren't happy with how things are going, they start making threats. Sometimes I wish I could let them know how I really feel. I wish I could make incredibly clear the depths of my apathy. Customers that threaten me cause this valve inside my head to be opened that fills an area the size of an Olympic swimming pool with properly chlorinated and perfectly heated, I-don't-give-a-rat's-ass quality brand of apathy.

"If I don't get better service, I will take my business elsewhere!"

"You don't see the severity of the situation, you are about to lose a customer because of these problems!"

"You guys better shape up! I'm not going to put up with this forever!"

"I guess I'm just going to have to call your competitor."

It just becomes so hard to take people seriously when they threaten me. I really want to laugh in their faces. They just seem like some wigged-out quixotic figure, spurring their donkey on to challenge the wizard of the evil call center. I cared before they called, but when they start making threats I just want to giggle.

Now before the guys over at GetHuman.com start sharpening their pitchforks, let me explain some things. First of all, I do care about my customers. I want them to be happy, I want to do a good job, I want to make them and my company money through my good service.

The thing about making threats is this, while they are a good device for making sure that people know you are not happy, beyond that they do nothing to make the person on the other side of the phone feel for you. Threats do nothing besides make the call center worker feel powerless and alienated.

Why is that you may ask? It's because call centers are set up to provide multiple companies with service solutions at reasonable costs. In layman's terms, call centers answer the phones for multiple companies in the cheapest and fastest way possible at the lowest cost possible so we can buy things as cheaply as possible.

Let's give a more concrete example. Wal-Mart has great prices, and great selection. But when you want help to find something, or ask someone for help with a technical question you either can't find anyone, or if you do, you get a blank stare, or they tell you they will page someone and disappear into the underwear section again, hiding behind the leopard thongs rack until you finally give up and wander off.

You can blame the people that work there, but they are just like call center workers, they aren't paid to go out of their way and spend hours helping you and learning all they can know about the products they sell. Instead, they are paid to do as little as possible to take keep a large store stocked and clean so the everyday low prices can continue.

The fact that large call centers exist that take care of multiple companies means threats are not an effective tool in the long run. You are just one of hundreds of crabby customers that call every day. The call center worker can only do so much without getting in trouble. They have goals for calls handled per day, calls handled per hour, and average time per call.

There remains a better way to get service. I've said it before and I will say it again: when you call with a problem, approach the call center worker in such a way that they can be the hero. Remember their name, ask them if they can do you a favor, be the person that they will go out of their way to help. Yes, you can order people around because "you are the customer", but treating people like slaves creates the worst kind of service. Instead, be the person that they consider worth doing extra for. Be the person that they are willing to break the rules for, because you were kind, appreciative and grateful.

Thanks for reading,

AC

A Different Level of Purgatory

2006-03-30T01:23:00.000-05:00

Dante wrote about seven levels of Purgatory. Each level represented a different one of the Seven Deadly Sins and presented ways to atone for each sin. As the traveler progressed, he eventually would make it to the top of the mountain, which was Paradise. I chose the name Call Center Purgatory because no other job in my life has so exemplified the sort of hopeful suffering that I have experienced here at the call center.

When I started working here, things were worse. It was more like a boiler room, with cursing and intimidation, but more money than I could make in other places at that time. I spent years trying to please people that would not tell me what they wanted, who judged me on standards that were not explained to me. Any time anyone asked why, or when will things change, the management shrugged and said it was up to the corporate people.

Through the years, it has improved. Management changed little by little, until we have the present managers. For the first time since working here, I know exactly what is expected of me. I know what my goals are, and I am reaching them. I sit down with my supervisor every two months and go over my calls and performance. We make plans how I can be a better worker, and I explain my own concerns.

It's a long way from Paradise. My customers can still be arrogant and unkind. I still can't get a real lunch. I still feel frustrated and depressed sometimes. I still have not got a raise. It's still much better. I can't remember the last time I clocked out muttering and cursing under my breath as I walked out the door. I think I have gained at least two levels in my climb out of Call Center Purgatory. Life is not great, but it is better...

Thanks for reading,

AC

"Christian convert must not escape."

2006-03-26T01:23:00.000-05:00

I'll write something about the call center tomorrow. Meanwhile, I've got something stuck in my craw about the case of the Afghan Christian I need to say. Click the link above to read how some of the lawmakers and clerics in Afghanistan are reacting to the release of Abdul Rahman.

"The convert was freed in secret on Monday night but has been kept under tight security in an undisclosed location after protests in Afghanistan called for him to be executed in line with Shariah law." ~Daily Times-Afghanistan

I've been following this pretty carefully, because the idea that the state will execute you for changing religions is really foreign to most of us.

Now, first things first, Islam is not alone in doing this. There was the Inquisition in Catholic Spain, there were the Salem Witch Trials in the Good Ole' U.S. of A, and if you will remember the Jews used to be pretty quick with a stone or two during the Old and New Testament. Killing someone for their religious beliefs is a fairly old practice.

Old is the active word here. The majority of the religions in the world have left this practice behind. The idea that our government is ruled by our priests or clerics diminished more and more throughout the centuries. While religion still pays a part in Western government, it has certainly diminished in power. Most people would agree that Martin Luther and the Reformation was the beginning of this weakening.

The thing that is interesting is that we can see a direct correlation between the rise of democratic rights to the individual compared to the weakening of the power of organized religion interfering in matters of the state. When we have the right to question what we believe in matters of faith, it has an effect in all arenas of life. This works to our benefit and to our detriment sometimes.

This leads me back to Islam. There are many people in our government and in other parts of the world that speak of bringing democracy to the Muslim world. How is that possible with countries that are under Shariah law? Check out this quote:" 'We are an Islamic country and should implement the rule of the Koran,' said Shah Baran, a tribal elder in the eastern province of Zabul. 'He must be killed.' "~Daily Times-Afghanistan
There are Muslims that say that Islam was not spread by the sword. In the face of this type of law I find that sort of hard to believe. It makes me wonder how many people truly can believe in Islam if the only alternative is to be executed if you don't.

Now don't misunderstand me. I don't doubt that there are sincere and devout Muslims in this world. I know in the United States there are people that have converted from Christianity to Islam. There are true believers, that's true. But how many are Muslims are just trying to not be executed, or choose Islam because that is all they have ever known? Let's face it, Muslim society is not "seeker friendly" and the Unitarians aren't sending any missionaries to Kabul any time soon.

Look, my real point is I seriously doubt democracy can bloom in Muslim countries if fundamentalist law stays the norm. No matter how many computers they get, no matter how many cable stations come into the country, no matter how many colleges there are, democracy will not bloom.

October 31, 1517: History recalls that Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses to the door of the Wittenburg Church, condemning the corruption of the Catholic church. Will Islam ever have a date like this, or will they stay in the 1500's forever?

Thanks for reading,

AC

Linkage, Coffee, and Chickens.

2006-03-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

Check out this excellent cartoon blog called Savage Chickens. Very funny stuff.

Also check out this blog by an anonymous office worker called Office Life.

I finally went to McDonalds today and checked out their new Premium Blend Coffee. Don't bother, it was not worth the extra money. It had the beginnings of good taste, but finishes bland and boring. Spend the extra money and get a Kona blend at a real coffee shop if you want a blend with some oomph. Just my humble-over-caffeinated-eight-cups-a-day opinion...

Thanks for reading,

AC

Drowning in the Reservoir of Thought

2006-03-23T17:40:00.000-05:00

I'm staring at the screen and I've got nothing. No inspiration, no incredible heart-felt things to share, not a damn thing. Not a joke, not a haiku, not even a naughty limerick.

Nothing is swimming in that incredibly dark reservoir of thought between my ears, not even those three headed fish and two headed dolphins that may be a result of the glue I sniffed during yearbook class in 1983.

The call center has sucked my energy and my intellect until my intellect is foggy and my heart is numb. The wave of consciousness rides like a cheap wave pool at a third-rate water park. I leap into the dark depths and just sink to the bottom.

Cheap coffee...Ring... Ring....
Spicy Chinese microwave dinners, Ring... Ring...
I like denim miniskirts...Ring...Ring...
Please drop something...Ring...Ring..
"How can I help you?"...Ring..Ring..
Take Five by Dave Brubeck...Ring...Ring..
"Here are your goals for this month, AC. You need to reach them more consistently, Hell, just try to reach them at all!"...Ring...Ring...Ring..
Ring...Ring...Ring..Ring...
"Where is God in all of this?"
Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...
"Why don't I want to talk to him?"
Ring...Ring...Ring...
Ring...Ring...
Ring...

The fog before my eyes clear, the water drains from my ears, I take a breath and crawl out onto the beach of some island in the middle of the dark water. Struggling to my feet, I stumble towards a non-descript door in front of me.

I walk out into the sun in springtime. It is about twenty years ago. It is my second date with my wife. We spent the day at the zoo. We chattered nervously, trying to get to know each other. I was never smooth at that age. We stop by the otter exhibit and lean on the rail as the furry little clowns slide into the water and frolic just because they can. Their mustaches appear to be hiding big grins. They have no purpose, no plan, they just enjoy life and revel in their own "otterness".

Now's my chance. I reach over and take her hand. She smiles and we are both in Heaven. We barely stop holding hands through the rest of the day. We leave the zoo and have lunch in a park with a green field nearby. She made brownies. I lay my head in her lap. We watch the clouds go by.

No matter how numb and sad I feel from time to time, these memories remain and bring me joy when nothing else does.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Water-Tower Hill

2006-03-20T01:23:00.000-05:00

Some days I am not interested in talking about the call center. Sometimes I just like to write about good days or bad days in my life outside of the call center. That's what I'm going to write about today.

When I was a kid I didn't have a lot of close friends. There were times I did, but we always seemed to drift apart, I'm not sure why. Sometimes they moved, other times they did something that made me mad, sometimes, there was just no real reason. I spent a lot of time on my own, riding my bmx bike, hunting, shooting pop cans with my Daisy Red Rider BB gun. I was happy spending time on my own. Sure, I had friends over for sleep-overs where we had marathon Monopoly parties, or I went to the movies or the mall for dates, but I just didn't have that need to always be with someone.

There was one day in particular that I will always remember. There were some hills near my house, not mountains, but they rose at least three to four-hundred feet with some woods around them. I remember this day because it was right before I moved away from the town I had grew up in. My mom and dad had found different places to work at about 500 miles from my hometown. I set out to spend one last day in the woods at the top of the hill behind my house. It had no real name, we called it Water-Tower Hill because there was a water tank on one side of it.

I loaded my yellow Jansport pack with all those things I kept hoping I would need if I got lost in the woods, and left the house on my epic trek. After about ninety minutes walking, I arrived at the top of the hill, sweating and panting a little. The entire world I had known during my short life was spread out before me. It was all there, places so normal and boring, but precious to me. I could see the church to the West where I stole my first kiss from a pleasingly-plump brunette. We met in the trees behind the building after a Wednesday night service. There was a park by the river where I fed the ducks bread when I was little and fished off the bridge when I got older. To the South was the 7-11. I visited there as often as I got my allowance or could make a little money scrounging up pop cans or beer bottles in the trash cans and alleys that lined the route from school to home. Normally, I spent my proceeds on a cherry and cola slurpee, a Charleston Chew or just fed the quarters into the Galaga machine. To the North was the Dairy Queen whose special was French fries with bacon gravy,(outstanding in their greasy goodness). In the middle of town was my elementary school that was across the street from my Grandma's house. I remembered going there after school and enjoying the best sweetened sun-tea and Jello-pudding cakes this side of heaven. While I could not see it, I knew that to the South were the fields where Dad took me rabbit hunting and where I really felt like we were becoming friends, not just father and son.

As I turned around to the East, the other side of the hill, I saw the land I had visited before, but didn't really know. Spread out before to a horizon I could not see. Part of me felt scared, part of me was angry my parents were leaving all that I loved, and yet another part of me was excited to find some real adventure outside of this town of 30,000 people. All those feelings coalesced together, so it was indistinct which was the strongest. In the noisy autumn wind, it all sort of melted away, and for about thirty minutes I was seized with a feeling that is so common at that time of life: I felt more alive to everything around me than I ever remembered before that time. Up above the town and people that defined all I knew about the world, I knew there was more out there than this town, and I was finally ready to leave to find out what else was out there on the other side of the hill for me.

Thanks for reading,

AC

The Funeral

2006-03-19T01:23:00.000-05:00

I went to a funeral this weekend for a woman that I knew for some time. She was quiet, she did not say much. But she loved people. She sought out kids that society had thrown away or was not interested in, and she packed her minivan full and brought them over forty miles every Sunday to attend a youth group. I remember I prayed with one of those kids to accept Jesus as his saviour. He was this big ole, redneck farmboy, who had a tender heart. That was her triumph more than mine. She was an everyday hero in my eyes in that the world was a better place because she had been here. She was a good wife and a mother who loved people.

Everybody thinks about what life means and how they will be remembered, or even what this world is all about. There's one part in Ecclesiastes that I always remember:

The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem: " 'Meaningless! Meaningless!' says the Teacher. 'Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.' What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again. All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, 'Look! This is something new?' It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow."~Ecclesiastes 1:1-11

This is one of those rough passages, because you have to read the whole book to "get it". Solomon tried to fill his life with everything that he thought was important: riches, knowledge, grand accomplishments, and none of it satisfied him.

In my world all that the people at work think about is how to improve sales, how to improve numbers, how to cut hold time, all of that. I know they have to think about that if we are all going to stay employed. But someday the call center will close, the call records will fade from the excel files and we will all look at our lives outside of those things.

Someday all of us will meet mortality, in a cold shock and quicker than we ever thought. Then all that will ultimately matter is what we did in the lives of others. Mercy, love, justice, compassion, they will be what we are remembered for, and the average hold times, call metrix, average transactions will mean nothing.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Problems On The Inside

2006-03-17T01:23:00.000-05:00

This was one of those days I had no problems from my customers. They were all pleasant and reasonable, even funny. They were patient and appreciative.

It was scary.

Nevertheless, the nature of Call Center Purgatory is that when you are not bothered from those outside the call center you will ultimately be bothered by those inside the call center. We have three people,(two men and one woman), inside the call center that cannot keep from bad mouthing everyone else around them. It's non-stop. They hate the new manager, they think everyone is lazy except them, everyone is out to get them, they are the only ones that ever get in trouble, and that's because the big old world is just unfair and they are being picked on.

AAAHHHH!!!!

I find myself letting the dark side take over and make a grocery list for behavior modification.
-A dark room
-3 chairs
-3 sets of handcuffs
-1 200,000 volt stun-baton
-1 roll of duct-tape
-1 bottle of habanero hot sauce
-3 ferrets in a "randy" mood...Crazed furry rodents are always a good accessory to this kind of operation.

That's all that would be necessary to make a real difference in making them think more seriously about opening their mouth...

I know, I know, way over the top. It would be like if the CIA ran a call center. Wishing them harm would make me much worse than them. It's just so incredibly frustrating being around people who hate, belittle or despise everyone that crosses their path! This place is tough enough to work in without that kind of bullshit.

The rest of my team has developed the sort of relationship where we put up with each other. We don't always like what the other person does, but they are our friend and we need them. We may tease them to their face, but we never just assassinate their character like nothing good exists in them.

In a way, the people in my team treat each other like married people or a family does. You know the bad traits they have, but you overlook them or try to help them change. But you don't nag them, or talk bad about them outside of your family, that never helps, all it does is poison the atmosphere and destroy any chance of a real relationship.

Thanks for reading,

AC

"There Remains Credible Evidence That I Still Hate My Job."

2006-03-16T01:23:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been telling you how things have improved at the Call Center since Larry (my ex-supervisor) has left. We heard from him last week. He's very happy at his new position with the company. I guess it was a win-win situation.

Even though things have changed for the better, I still want out of here. Just the nature of the business is what drives me out of my mind. Every time I sit down to eat my lunch the phone rings and my food gets colder and colder. Every conversation I start with my friends is interrupted by that phone. Every thing I do, everything I say is judged by that phone. It's always there, looking at me, smirking with it's liquid crystal display, telling me to get off this call because three more people are waiting.

You remember that scene in Office Space where they take the laser printer out in the field and bash it to pieces with the baseball bat? That's how I feel. I just hate the phone. It's like a parasite that has put some plastic tentacle into my ear and sucks out my life and energy every day. It's never satisfied, never satiated, it's always wanting more and more time.

I guess that's the difference in working in a call center. You can't say, "Hey, I answered all the calls today-no more until tommarow!" It doesn't work that way. They never stop, as long as there are people buying my services the phone will ring.

I know there is someone out there about to make the comment, "Hey now, that phone is your bread and butter, mister!" , or "If you don't like it you need to suck it up and leave." I've heard it all before. I am leaving, sooner than my company knows. I don't know what I hate more, the pain of my job, or selfish ass-holes who want to tell you how they understand your life and it would all change for the better if you just followed their moldy, trite advice.

People like that make me sick. Go trim your crew cut, do some push-ups, maybe you'll get lucky and find someone else you can spout your drill sargeant bullshit to. Don't forget to swallow any real emotion or compassion, so you can feel like a real hard-ass. While you're at it maybe you could try to understand the human condition instead of mocking any mention of pain or weakness real people make from time to time.

Damn...Don't know where that vitriol came from. I feel better though. Sounds like someone has some issues.

Thanks for reading, hope I didn't offend anyone who didn't deserve it.

AC

Dry the Rain

2006-03-15T13:23:00.000-05:00

Click the link above to check out another call center blogger.

Thanks for reading,

AC

Blondie

2006-03-15T01:23:00.000-05:00

Glad to hear that Blondie was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They were one of the first groups I liked that my parents found offensive. My favorite Blondie songs were "One Way or Another", "The Hardest Part" and "Dragonfly" and "Atomic Love".

I just found Blondie so original compared to a lot of the pop music during the 80's. I soon started listening to Devo, Talking Heads and the Police and Men At Work. All of my friends liked bands like Def Leppard, AC-DC and Scorpions. I really couldn't stand metal. I'm still not crazy about it.

I was such a geek about Blondie that I actually figured out a way to make "Dragonfly" play on a video game for my TRS-80 computer. I was sadly an uber-geek. Luckily, I did figure out enough about girls to actually not spend every Friday night typing in code into my 16K wonder.

Thanks for reading,

AC

GetHuman.com

2006-03-14T01:23:00.000-05:00

Gethuman.com is a web site that has set out to make call centers better. If you go to their website you can find the IVR Cheat Sheet that allows you to get to a human operator on most major call centers faster-here's a quote from their home page:

"Our goal is to improve the quality of customer service and phone support in the US. This free website is run by volunteers and is powered by over one million consumers who demand high quality phone support from the companies that they use."

They even have a funny music video you can watch over at Google Video.

I support their plan to get to a human operator quicker. I think that as long as a customer is lost in the queue, pressing buttons, and trying to say their account number, many call centers managers think they don't have to take responsibility for helping them.

That said, this entry from their blog concerned me:
"We are a consumer advocacy site focused on improving the face of customer service. This movement is powered by over one million consumers who are angry about bad service.

We demand high quality, prompt, human customer support, by friendly, qualified people who we can understand, and who can handle our call without putting us on hold or transferring us again and again.

We will reward companies with good service by buying more products and services from them, and telling our friends and families about them.

We will punish companies with bad service by canceling our accounts with them and instead using one of their competitors who has better service."~Saturday, February 04, 2006 Blog Entry

As someone who works in a call center I feel qualified to comment about this. I appreciate them taking an active market-driven approach to getting good customer service. My question is what level of quality customer service is good enough?

Really, I'm not kidding here. I know I provide quality service. I am friendly and understandable. I know most of the other people I work with provide the same. There are always some exceptions, but there are many agents that provide good service ninety-five percent of the time. That said, good agents still find themselves being abused by people who "demand high quality, prompt, human customer support".

I want to know if there if gethuman.com sees the other side. Is there an inalienable right to high quality customer service in the Bill of Rights? Is less than thirty-second hold time mentioned somewhere in the Constitution? They certainly have the right to work to make changes in an industry that needs the help. I just want them to think about the people that are on the other side of the phone. We are not the enemy. We are trying to do the best we can and many times are being abused by management that demands low cost, affordable labor costs while our customers are demanding high quality,prompt, human customer support. We, the operators on the other end of the phone are getting caught in the middle.

I'm not asking them to stop. It's a good cause. There are call centers that need improvement. But if this search for high quality service is just becoming another arrogant voice that demands all for nothing and is never satisfied, then I don't support that. Service is not just short hold times and friendliness. There are people on the other side of the phones that are frustrated too. Who's helping us?

Thanks for reading,

AC