In the 15-20 years that I have been in the working world I have met many different types of bosses, seen many different types of management. I have worked for people from the east coast, the deep south, the Midwest, and the west coast. I have worked in fast food, retail, factories, warehouses, as a janitor and groundskeeper, sold vacuums door to door and worked as a phone solicitor(the last two jobs I only lasted 2-3 weeks-'cause they suuhhckked big time!!!!), and don't forget the lovely job in which I currently work. In my younger days, I changed jobs very often. I like to think of it more as a result of my search for excellence and a relatively short attention span, as opposed to the fact that I truly may have been a slack-jawed loser.
1. The Southern Red-Necked Barrel-Chested Wahoo:
While mainly indigenous to the south east, this hardy species can be found in the Midwest on occasion. Identified by red neck, white socks, and shiny polyester dress pants. While appearing friendly and genuine, this species has little regard for it's employees thinking for themselves, or any policies concerning sexual discrimination. When trying to attract a mate, this species will comb over bald spot with a pocket comb and any water source. Related families include the Northern Jersey, Philadelphia, and Northern Midwest Wahoos also[*1].
2. The Flat-Topped Olive-Drab Shrieker: This species migrates to all parts of North America, and is very aggressive in how it relates to other member of the flock. Characterized by a desire to mold everyone in the flock into a mindless machines in order to gain total efficiency. This species believes that work is a bootcamp where he or she will be able to cleanse the world of slackers. Has no life outside of the pursuit of excellence in the small arena of work.
3. The Hugging Consensus Building Mentor has made a comeback throughout North America. It previously ranged only in certain areas of Southern California, but seems to be making inroads to areas like Vermont, Connecticut and Virginia. One researcher has hypothesized their growth may coincide with levels of public radio[*2] membership and the reading of any books by Leo Buscaglia[*3]. This species displays the incredibly annoying habit of pretending to seek a consensus by discussing why your views are not progressive until you agree just so they will stop talking.
4. The Short-Skirted-Shrieker: The only female boss we will examine today. While much more attractive than the flat top shrieker, this species is much more dangerous. Actions are characterized by attractive plumage and a flirtatious manner that camouflages a very hard sharp beak that is able to rip and tear small employees to worm meal if they doubt any decisions made or any perceived slight to "my authority". Approach with extreme caution.[*4]
*1 If you are from the south, don't take this as a blanket slam, just my experiences with several individuals-you'll notice I gave equal time to equally obnoxious Yankees and people from the Midwest.
*2 I'm a member-So I can say this.
*3 I actually like his books and I have even read this one-maybe just a teensy bit more touchie feely than I am used to-but hey, I'm anonymous-so you know I have some sort of intimacy issues....
*4 I have had women bosses that were equitable and very fair-this was not one of them...
: 5:13 AM
