I'm driving home from work listening to the mellow sounds of Chris Isaak desperately trying to make some sense of my life. I find myself switching back and forth between cursing my job and everything connected to it, and then praying to God for wisdom and help and then back again.

Earlier in the week I received some Constructive Criticism (4/25/04). I don't know why I did it today, but I "ran the numbers" for the last month. That shows me how many transactions I completed. I also ran some of the numbers for other people in order to determine an average. I am noticeably lower across the board. I ran the numbers for today, same thing, I am the low man on the totem pole.

Now these numbers don't represent things like special calls that take longer than others. I told you earlier that I am a designated "technician" in dealing with several corporate accounts. These numbers also don't represent the accuracy of my sales orders, and the lack of disputes between my customers and others people in the call center. They don't represent the extra service I provide to my customers, like calling them when I realize there will be a change in prices due to market forces or something unforeseen. I don't have to do that, but I would want that done to me if someone else was handling my money.

But it still feels like I'm doing something wrong. It still feels like I'm just trying to justify myself as some high-minded slacker.It's a horrible thing to be so different from the rest of the group, to not produce the same amount of work even though you believe with all your heart that it is better work. The gulf between the amount of work they want us to produce, and the accuracy they demand in these ignorant memos of policies is as wide as the grand canyon. My co-workers are on the other side of numbers and I'm across the canyon on the side of accuracy. I have no stunt cycle to jump it, I have no hang glider, there is no way to reunite production and accuracy. I feel very alone sometimes.

If management would only give us regular performance evaluations,(they dont even have to give us raises-we would understand that) I would not have these feelings of not knowing if I am doing a good job or not. It has been a very long time since I have had a raise, or any kind of performance evaluation. All I get from my supervisor is mixed messages, yells at me one day, then throws a little kudos out another, keeps paying me like things are going to continue this way forever.

Something has to give.....even being fired or layed off would be preferable to this.