Last Sunday night I found myself sitting in church, listening to a sermon about integrity. I was trying hard to keep awake, yet feeling vaguely uneasy. My pastor was not pulling any punches at all. I sat there wondering how much integrity I have in my life, and why I seem to act so different at work then I do at church and other places. The conviction from the sermon seemed to last through the last two days like a dull toothache, enough to bother you, but not enough to call the dentist.

Today, I would have called the dentist immediately if I could have.

I took my corporate customer's information about what they wanted, and how they wanted it done, and proceeded to get what they needed. After I spent their money, and had it all set up, I called them back to explain the results. When I told them what I had done, they explained that I had bought the wrong product. I explained that there had been an error in communication on their part, but I would fix things right away.

The bad thing is, after I fixed everything, it ended up costing them about $150 dollars more than I had originally told them. While they were to blame technically for part of the error, I saw in the computer where I had made the real error that had cost them money. They did not listen when I read them back the order, and during a subsequent conversation with my superior. But it was me who really was to blame. I tried to explain this to my boss, without taking too much of the blame. "We were at fault here in some respect, even though they did not listen to the confirmation", I told him,(the word "we" and "some respect" being the active weasel-ly words...). My boss said, "Don't worry about it, I looked at it and they wont contest the charges."

I know he's right about that. He trained me too well. I did not admit blame when I screwed up, I kept notes that covered my ass and his. I made us money, and did not lose money for the company. I know it's not that big of a deal compared to the millions of dollars that come through here all the time. I know all that in my head, but I feel sick in my heart.

I miss the days when I was younger and I could just walk out on a job. I've got bills getting bigger, I was overdrawn again this week, and if I lost this job, I don't know what would happen between jobs. Contrary to popular belief, credit card balances don't get smaller on their own.

When I was younger, I shook my head in disgust at the sell-outs who gave up their soul for a buck. I may be one now....