"...When the call volume slowed down, he said, "AC, do you have all your requests finished for now?" "Yes I do." "Come into the general manager's office, We want to talk to you."
I'm sitting in the general managers office, with my supervisor Larry. I was amazed it finally come to this point. I had never been in here in trouble before, not to this point. Normally, Larry would bark at me, I would acquiesce and that was the end of it. I've never argued or talked back before.
I originally liked the GM when I first met him, but the lack of real action, raises, reviews, and mixed signals have made me realize he really does not care about the employees. He's just another souless cog with sharper teeth and bigger pay.
He breaks the silence.
"What is so difficult about following instructions for you? We have spoken to you about this on several occasions and you continue to disobey us. You are not to write these requests or handle these jobs without the offer-code." He is leaning back in his leather chair, with his leg crossed. His pastel tie and coiffed hair are mocking me, like his patronizing demeaning tone.
I replied, "I did not write it up. I knew we could not bill it out, so I was just giving the customer the information to get him off the phone."
The GM continues.
"AC, if you look at your overall numbers compared to other people, they are very low. You are on the low end of production for new requests for service. This type of wasting time is just a symptom of your substantive failings as an advisor."
I felt the blood rush to my face. My face tingled like I had just got a hypodermic full of Niacin plunged into my veins. I could feel my heart beating faster, and my breathing become more shallow.
In that instant, I could see the faces of teachers, and other employers, I could see the words of report-cards, performance reviews, and all of the words, and images that have seemed to mock me as long as I have been on this earth. "Does not focus... A busybody...Talks to his neighbors too much...Gets distracted easily...Could try harder...Not able to handle multiple tasks...".
It all rang in my ears, and flashed through my mind in milliseconds like I was hooked to a T1 connection from the pit of hell.
I've been an anonymous cog for a long time. I've always known what to say when I wanted people to like me, or when I wanted to avoid getting yelled at. I knew what they wanted to hear, and I knew what would get me out of this office with everything intact. I had done it often enough, apologize for being human, apologize and promise that I would be the best worker ever. Thank them for the opportunity to do better. Then go back to being the same old guy and hope they did not notice me because I showed up everyday, and did not make trouble so I could get that soul-sucking paycheck that makes me feel like a cheap whore who lost everything that makes me human inside.
But somewhere, from deep inside, there was rage burning. I had swallowed my soul too many times. Night and day since I have started this blog, I have wrote down how I really feel. My thoughts had taken shape, and were finally lucid. No longer is it just a knot in my belly and confused ramblings trying to justify my existence.
Yes, I waste time. Yes, I have room for improvement. But I am not without merit. Finally, I would not submit like a peasant without any kind of arm to defend my self against ruthless oppression.
My mind and heart were jam packed with thoughts and truths about this horrible place like a 30 round clip on an AK-47 rifle. I was about to pull the bolt back and release the first cartridge into the chamber. I had nothing else to lose. I had finally come to a place in my passive-aggressive life where I would not roll over again. I was going to say how I felt this time and really defend myself...
(continued in part 4)
Purgatory: A place of suffering and torment with an unknown duration. In Roman Catholic Theology-the place where the dead are purified from their sins.
By Rage Against The Machine