Something has been brewing inside me lately. Like some stew that gets more tasty every day I leave it in the fridge. It's hard to describe. I spend a lot of time commuting, looking at the white lines speeding past thinking of nothing in particular and everything in general. This word has begun to surface again and again..."STRUGGLE."

Clearer and clearer it becomes, as if someone is cleaning off the windows in my brain and I can finally see what the landscape looks like. It is very possible that success and notoriety will escape me forever. I may not die satisfied with my life. But there is something that I can do that will let me die with dignity.

Struggle...

Struggle against the mediocrity and numbness every part of life seems to try to inject into me. Sometimes it feels like every event of life is some super-thin needle injecting me with a cereberal painkiller that causes me not to give a shit what happens to me or my dreams.

I've become aware that so much of life is like a tide of success in the strugle to be honorable, kind, disciplined, and principled, followed by the tide withdrawing back out to the sea. I am left high and dry and on the sand, feeling numb and confused. In this dry state I regress to that landlocked sense of not caring if I make it or not, living like so many of the lemmings heading towards that cliff of oblivion. When the next tide of energy finally arrives, it hydrates me enough to fight again, to struggle against the mediocrity and selfishness that is my constant companion. I only pray that the tide keeps coming, and I keep trying...

The hardest struggle of all is to be something different from what the average man is.
-Robert H. Schuller