I'm standing up in church listening to the songs. Everyone around me is clapping and putting their hands in the air to worship God. I feel nothing. Just numb...
This last week I found out the job that I believed was my destiny to not only get out of Purgatory, but to make a difference in the world was given to somebody else. It wouldn't have felt so bad, but I really believed that I was being led to this job. I was following everything my heart told me to do, being obedient every way I knew how to what I thought was God's voice, and it all fell apart with a shatter like a shot gun blast to a picture window.
"Why should I worship you? I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to do, or how to hear your voice. I know I'm probabally to blame or there's other things I don't understand, but I'm looking around this world and seeing very little proof that you are working in my life."
In a flash, a portion of a book came to my mind. I've got a pretty good memory, but I can't always quote a paragraph from a book. It was from the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis:
"Never is our cause in such danger Wormwood, than when a man looking around at a universe with no trace of God, no evidence of his power and goodness and the man chooses to believe in God anyway."I know it doesn't make sense. But I chose to let all the crap and bitterness drop there, and chose to renew my relationship with God, even though I still don't understand it all. I just trusted on something deeper than me. I feel better.
Purgatory: A place of suffering and torment with an unknown duration. In Roman Catholic Theology-the place where the dead are purified from their sins.
By Rage Against The Machine