Its been a strange week here at the call center. Things have been smooth. Not many customers have been extremely angry or unreasonable-there was one, but I chose to ignore them because they were so ignorant it was everything I could do to not start laughing at them over the phone.

Thats one of the things about being in customer service that always amuses me. People assume that we have been genetically modified and brainwashed to not only care about them, but care deeply and emotionally. They imagine that when they call and explain how they have been deeply inconvenienced that we are taken aback by this travesty and immediately realize that everything that this noble injured customer is saying must be right and that everything we say and do from that point will never make up for tragedy that has occurred to them.

Right....

I know, I'm way over the top. But so many of the customers call with this same kind of melodramatic bullshit. Check this out:

Ring, Ring, Ring.
AC:"Anonymous investments, This is AC, How can I help you?"
Caller:"Yes, I...I have a problem with a transaction today."
AC:"OK..What's your transaction number?"
Caller:"958648"
AC:"Ok, I'm looking at the file. What was the problem?"
Caller:"When I set this up, I asked to be notified on my cellphone within 5 mins of completion and to receive a confirmation to be sent to both my fax # and email. I did not receive a call after the trade was completed and the fax was unreadable. This is unacceptable. I just feel like you don't listen or care what happens to your customers!"
AC:"The file here says they tried to call and could not get through, so they left a voicemail. I'm afraid the faxes are all automated and that happens from time to time. I am sorry about that."
Caller:"But I spent an hour worrying that the trade, and then with smeared fax and the lack of phone call, I was a nervous wreck!"
AC(pressing the MUTE key first):"I'm sorry that your three $100 shares in free range muskrat farms caused you to suffer a nervous breakdown. Have you considered a hobby of some kind? Maybe you could start by considering whether the world truly world revolves around you."
AC(releasing the MUTE key again):"I'm really sorry that happened. We are normally more responsive than that. I'm afraid it happened during a rush on the market. I do apologize."
Caller:"I-I just don't know if you see the importance of this. I need to be notified if I'm going to continue to invest with you. I just feel sad that you don't seem to value your customers like you should."
AC:(pressing MUTE again)"Oh no, no, don't take our paltry $20 commission once every other month when you get a hot tip from your exclusive spam e-mail newsletters. I don't know if we can handle that sort of loss to our income."
AC(releasing MUTE again)"We do value your business. I'd like to see if we can make it up to you with a free trade next time."
Caller:"I guess that will be all right..."
AC:"I'll send that right out to you. Thanks for calling." *click*.

Check it out people, if you want good customer service, start by making a personal connection with the people that are helping you, so they see you as a reasonable, nice person that they want to help. Pleasant people do get better service. If that doesn't work, be a holy terror that will not take "no" for an answer. But never, ever, whine. Don't assume that we are weeping for your inconvenience. Because when you are pelted with problems all day long, its almost impossible to feel any kind of compassion when someone whines. Whining never gets results, it just pisses people off.

Thanks for reading,

AC