There are some days that I cannot figure out this place, no matter how hard I try to wrap my understanding around it.
This was one of them.
I've got to the point where I understand my immediate supervisor Larry, I understand my co-workers, and I understand most of my customers, the normal ones at least. I understand market forces and how any investment can go bad even though the stock had looked good all morning.
The people I don't understand are the people above my direct supervisor. The general manager, the human resources people, the people in the bowels of the cavernous billing department, and finally the people that own this place.
I had a day that just felt really odd. It almost seemed to be like everyone had this sense of anger under the surface. What I mean is this, everyone I dealt with outside of my co-workers was short or made what appeared to be a deliberate attempt to ignore my existence. No eye contact, no "good morning", no eye contact made, even when initiated, just head down keep moving. The several times they did recognize me, it wasn't good. It felt like Winston's world of 1984. There were all sorts of people I had never seen coming through the office, including a guy in a suit that shouted at all of us when call volume backed up. I know it sounds crazy and paranoid. If I wasn't anonymous I wouldn't admit it. But something was wrong with my little universe, but I could not put my finger on it.
That said, I know I struggle with feelings that aren't always logical, and can't always be proved. I know that it's best to ignore these feelings, because I can't really do anything about them.
What makes this job so maddening is that we never know where we stand for sure. No reviews to help you gauge your work. No atta-boys, no raises, but no one gets fired or disciplined either. In the five years I have been here, I have seen or heard of maybe 3 people being wrote up. Even the times I was brought in the office and yelled at for wasting money or big mistakes, I was not wrote up or made to sign a formal warning.
I know work does not have to be like this. I'm positive of that. I have worked with people who let me know in no uncertain terms where I stood. I've had raises and rewards. I was even the freakin' employee of the month once! I had my ass chewed and had to sign papers that made me feel two inches tall. They explained what was expected of me and let me know when I did not measure up. I've been fired before, and it was a relief, because at least things were clear.
I just wish I understood it all...
Thanks for reading,
Purgatory: A place of suffering and torment with an unknown duration. In Roman Catholic Theology-the place where the dead are purified from their sins.
By Rage Against The Machine