"The landscape of my heart..."
It all made sense now. I was walking through the landscape of my heart, the degradation of my own soul. I made my own Purgatory, now I was fighting my way home. In the midst of Purgatory, I would seek God again and to leave it all behind. My life was not the call center, nor was my sadness. It was all my own. I needed to leave the job, but the more important task was to find God again, no matter where I worked. I remembered a poem I read one day.
“So when the shadows lengthenThe time had come to throw off Purgatory, to escape that muttering, bad mood that leads to Hell. I remembered C.S. Lewis describing Hell in such a way,
Across the landscape of my soul,
And doubt draws near, I will seek the light.
I will recite the creeds, receive the sacraments,
Search again the scriptures, sing the hymns,
Hear the Word brought forth...”
~Bud Hayes, "A Confession of Faith"
...it begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it: perhaps criticising it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. Ye can repent and come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticise the mood, nor even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine..."~C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"I picked up my gear, and started walking towards the construction wing. I felt more hope than I had felt in a long time.
Purgatory: A place of suffering and torment with an unknown duration. In Roman Catholic Theology-the place where the dead are purified from their sins.
By Rage Against The Machine