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I thought and thought about Mary. Why was she saying these things about me? We had never spoke seriously. In fact, I had teased her, made fun of her and never really talked to her,(yes, I was kind of a mean kid at this point in my life). I hung out with some of the popular girls, and she was not considered in that group..

It just didn't make sense! But the hormones were still screaming over reason's calm, cool, collected voice-"SHE GIRL! HAS BREASTS AND CURVY PARTS! SAYS LIKES YOU! MUST TRY! LOSER LIKE YOU NO HAVE MANY OPTIONS!". I think most teen-age boys have that burgeoning male chauvinist pig voice inside leading us to so many stupid decisions. I was sure she would go with me. Why shouldn't she? I was popular, I was not the ugliest guy in school, and I was cool. Damn Cool-just ask my Mom and my Gramma! I had an Izod shirt for crying out loud!

That Friday afternoon, I finally decided I would ask her to "go with me".

"Mary, would you go with me?"
"Wow, I'm flattered. But I'll have to pray about it. I'll let you know Monday."
My mouth dropped open. I stammered out a weak "OK." and turned on my heels and walked off.

It was a long weekend. My complete lack of real social cues left me with no idea what to do. Pray about it! Why was she spreading rumors only to tell me that she would have to pray about it! Women were making less and less sense to my seventh grade mind. Now they were mixing religion with romance. I didn't understand religion, and now God was getting involved in my love life! Why didn't I ever have a Sunday School lesson about this? Nobody told me HE was going to get this involved in my life!

Monday finally came.

"So what about my offer?"
"I prayed about it and God doesn't want me to go with you. Sorry."
"OK...."

I couldn't think of anything to say at this point. I mean, she had me with the God bit. At that point in my young, naive life, I had never been taught to question the prayers of others, and if someone had the cajones to say "Thus sayeth the Lord!", I wasn't going to doubt them. What really pissed me off was I was dumped by the ugliest girl in school because God told her to!

I quickly stopped to pray a quick and very serious prayer. I promised Him I would never linger over the bra section of the Penny's catalog if He stopped this madness, and stopped interfering in this part of my life. I don't think He listened. After this, I didn't think I could have possibly have any worse luck with women than I had up to this point. This had to be the apex of loserdom, the height of my depths, the lowest point, the Mariana Trench of romantic misfortune. Things had to get better!

Some years later, I realized what a little schmuck I had been. I walked right into her trap and made the unpopular, mean and ugly girl suddenly attractive and smart. Of course God had nothing to do with it. I can't blame her. I deserved to look stupid. I actually kind of respect her for being that cunning for a seventh grader. I have since learned that people blame God for anything and everything, and will say the most incredibly stupid things were his idea.

Tomorrow-Young AC actually breaks his losing streak-I promise...
Thanks for reading,

AC