(click the link above to start from part one)
My love life after Amy was pretty insubstantial. I became depressed. Amy and I tried to become friends, but it started going too far again. I don't know who believes that its possible for men and women to be friends after they have crossed a certain line in a physical relationship, but I don't buy it. Even if you manage to act like friends, there are always those images and feelings somewhere inside you, knowing that it could be more.
I think that its even harder for men, just because of how sex is so hard-wired into all that we do. It can be like some itch you can't scratch sometimes, some high-pitched hum that does not go away, but is always there annoying you. Then, to make things worse, there's this woman in front of you that you find attractive, just wanting to be friends. It can be too much. If I had to do it all over, I would not have dated seriously in my teens. I just don't think most guys that age have the sort of emotional maturity to be involved physically with girls.
For a while I felt like a yo-yo. Going back and forth to Amy. I wished she would tell me to get lost, I wished one of us would be strong, instead of some romantic purgatory, never going anywhere but never leaving each other. I wished I could find another girl. I wished I didn't have these feelings. I found my self thinking, "Is this the only girl in the world that will ever have anything to do with me? Do I need to stop looking? What's wrong with me?"
Before I had to make that decision my parents decided to move about 500 miles away to different jobs. They were moving us to a big city in the Midwest, to a world that would be so incredibly different from the town of thirty-thousand that I had grew up in. I wrote a post about one of my last days in the small town I called home-click here to read Water Tower Hill.
So, the decision had been made for me. She was 500 miles away, and there was nothing I could do about it. When I got to my new home, she sent me letters that curled my toes with lust, but also made me glad I had gotten away from her. In the big city, I felt pretty lonely for awhile, but I eventually made friends. I got involved with a youth group and started doing very well. At first, I met a really hot Latina girl* that was obviously interested in dating me, but I soon figured out she was "popular" with a lot of guys. I politely declined. I started doing a better job of being a real friend to the girls in my youth group. I started going out and hanging out in groups, with guys and girls. I still wanted more, but I wasn't going out of my way to get a girlfriend this time. The experience with Amy may have broke my heart, but I had made up my mind that I wouldn't go so far, so fast again.
Thanks for reading,
Purgatory: A place of suffering and torment with an unknown duration. In Roman Catholic Theology-the place where the dead are purified from their sins.
By Rage Against The Machine